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Dealing with the pain

For the rest of my life, I will remember my first cutting experience. But before I get to that, let me tell you a bit about myself... I got my first tattoo when I was 14 years old and have gotten 5 since, they are extremely addictive. I was never really into piercing, but I had my nose pierced for about a week, and I have my belly button pierced ...I moved out when I was 16 years old, I'm now 20. I'll start from the beginning...I had met this guy who came to be a very close friend of mine through another friend. He was really into all this kind of stuff...he already had cuttings on his chest, piercings all over and stretched lobes. I never really thought anything of it, it wasn't really for me, but I was curious. He started to show me pictures from BME and the more I learnt about it the more interested I became, I never thought I would ever have the courage to stick a knife into my skin, I remember a time I was so depressed and I use to sit on the kitchen floor with a knife in my hand, praying for the courage to get it deep enough for it to bleed, but I never could. I started to become very close with this guy, and finally one night we decided that I would cut him, a simple design on his arm, he drew it on (I'm not creative, and I can't draw for my life), it was pretty big, but nothing to complicated. I was really nervous, but there was no way I was going to back out. Once I started there was no stopping me, the deeper the scalpel went the better it felt. I took my time while he laughed at me cause I looked so professional :) I was getting more into it every second. Seeing the blood start pouring out so slowly, feeling the control of my hand with the scalpel. I have never felt like that in my life. Not only was it the most erotic moment of my life but the most intimate. I have never felt so close to anyone in my life, there was an instant bond I felt between us. I finished off that one, and he was so impressed he let me do another one on his back with a more complicated design. It turned out just as good. I was dying to see what it felt like, he was enjoying it more than I was, so it was my turn...I really didn't know what to expect, I have never been cut, I have never needed stitches or anything like that. At first I was really tense but once I started to relax it felt amazing. In a strange way I was set free...I was completely out of control of my body, yet I felt so in control of my life. He didn't go that deep, so they are almost completely gone right now, but for my first time it was perfect. I have cut myself a couple of times on my own since then, I don't cut myself because I want to die, which is what most people think, I cut myself because it's a way to feel in control of my life when I feel lost. I still would rather share the experience with someone I'm close to and someone I trust rather than do it alone. You really have to trust the person to slice you up...But last week I lost the one person I had to share this experience with, he died in a car accident. I felt like I lost my soul mate, he was the one person in my life that accepted me for who I was, he never judged me, all he did was love me. After that first night we cut each other, we never got around to doing it again, we planned what we were going to do to each other, but we never found the time. He wanted one on his forearm, a really amazing design starting at his wrist going all the way up, so very slowly, day by day I work on that very design on myself as a kind of therapy, he would not want me crying over him. He would want me to go on with my life as if nothing ever happened. I will always love him, and I will always remember him and all that he has given to me. I have these scars on my body from him, that will be there forever, that is what he left me, and I could not ask for more. I wrote this in memory of him...and to let all of you know that life has a funny way of stealing away everything that makes you happy. So whatever it is you have in your life that brings a smile on your face hold on to it tight and never take advantage of it, cause before you know it, it can be gone...


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 26 June 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: Me
Studio: my+bedroom
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