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my name is exning. it explains itself

I guess I'll say some things about me. My names Exning. I live in a stupid town called Imperial. um...im female....and..the reason im writing this is just to tell my experience on scarification. the first time i actually purposely cut myself was out of anger. i found out this different way to deal with my problems.i was (still) depressed and tried killing myself numorous times. i cut my wrist many times. there's many scars on my ankles. and there's a nice, almost all the way faded, star below my belly button. i love the way scars look and the way people react to them. sometimes people get scared, one person thought i was a devil worshiper because she saw my stomach while changing in the locker rooms. a lot of people disagree with the scars. my mother takes me to a therapist for them. i take Zoloft now because of it. But some of my friends (not too many) that have scars are going through worse pain..or the same kind of pain, and i can relate to them and how they take out their anger. so there's a positive side to it also. people always ask me why i cut myself. i don't have any excuses, actually nobody does so..what am i talking about? there's the fact i've tried everything; writing it down, talking about it, ect., and it doesn't help me as much as cutting myself does. then, there's the satisfaction of making a perfect star. doing something right for a change when you had just fucked up something. and i don't use anything harcore like..i don't know. sometimes i will just use needles, or safety pins. many of my scars fade away very easily. the deepest scar is on my stomach, but i think the only reason it's there is because i don't tan easily or something there. i'm not some professional scarification artist. i want to be. i could be. i would be. but i'm not. i know people who are. but still...i'm not yet. i didn't get my scars proffessionally done. They were just done at my house in my room. with something small. never got infected though, luckily. i don't know if it can. i'm not sure. i don't know too much about it. that's bad. my boyfriend, or well..ergh...ex boyfriend now...had a big problem with my taking out my anger on cutting myself. Because he didn't want me hurting myself. but cutting myself wasn't hurting my as much as the pain and depression was inside me. he could have made me happy, but he was too worried. scarring myself was just slits and cuts on my wrists and ankles and any spot that wouldn't be visible. now, i don't care who sees it. they shouldnt have a problem with it because it's not them. but anyways, off the subject, being sad or depressed or whatever was a lot worse than cutting and scarring myself. i'd choose cutting myself deep from being depressed anyday. people think the reason i cut myself is because i have serious problems at home or something similar to that. i'm an honor society student, meaning i get pretty good grades. my mother and father are divorces and i live with my mother and grandparents, which is fine with me [ive seen my dad once in my life, but i don't care of him]. i have a good crowd of friends.i'm occupied most the time in my life. and i am pretty sure i'm like with my classmates and such. it's just thinking as if someone writes in their journal. i just write on my body. heh. the first time i cut myself was over a guy. yes i know, i know, very stupid. that's what made me depressed in the first place. he didn't find out until later, and it got him very mad. we always fought, but we 'loved eachother' and so on. but that was the main reason. because he sure FUCKED ME UP and confused the shit out of my brain. but don't think there's something wrong with me, becuase there isn't. i'm a perfectly normal person. if you saw me and talked to me and DIDN'T know about me cutting myself, you wouldn't even imagine me doing 'such a thing'. i just recently got my top right ear pierced, but i'm planning to get more done. i'm just a poor little girl without that much money, heh. but anyways, i just wish people would understand i'm not a devil worshiper and to understand i'm not just a stupid person and to look behind that scar, and be sympathetic to why it's there.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 26 June 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: home
Location: imperial

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