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A Little Window Into My Brain

I am more of a scraper more than a cutter. I just take things and scrape. I have been doing that since I was 11. I have always been interested in the modification of my body. I pierced my own ears when I was 12 at the boarding school I went to in St. Louis, Missouri. I periced my naval when I was 13, and also that same year my eyebrow. (Although my eyebrow didn't like the bar very much and rejected it!) I have cut different words and phrases into myself, instead of just plain lines and stuff. Some people think I am weird for the stuff I do. But it is a major rush for me. The scraping I mean. It is kind of like reaching an orgasm. It feels good at first, then it gradually keeps growing, until you finally climax. The rush keeps on growing stronger until finally I am bleeding. It is a feeling like know other. I don't think of it as self-manipulation. I think of it as a way to let out my anger. A way to express myself more freely. When I was in a mental istitution over Christmas I met a girl who was really into scarification. I had never really heard of it before, I mean I had HEARD of it, but never really seen ya know? Well, I talked to here for hours on end up there, trying to pass the time, and she always talked and showed me the different scars she has. She had different stories for each one. She would tell me about how she is going to put the tie and date under each one, because that is how much it meant to her. She amazed me. When I got back, I looked it up on a search engine, and stumbled upon BME. After hours of reading stories, and thinking, and looking at pictures, I decided I would try one. I looked up at different tatoo websites, and printed outthe pictures that I might want to do. All were tribal. They all looked so beautiful. Then I drew some pobjects out of some of my wiccan boks, because I really wanted something that would mean something. After deciding on a simple tribal design with not to many extras, I started thinking about my procedure. I first scrubbed and shaved my leg with antibacterial soap (that stuff never left my side) and sterilized my tools (a pencil sharpener blade, a safety pen, a tac, and a dead pen. For different depths and widths, etc.) I drew my design on my lower innerleg, that way it would be covered up with socks from my parents, etc. Finally, after my tension had built p like a volcano, I started scraping. After you have scraped so long, you can pretty much make straight, even lines. After that ad a couple drops of blood, I moved to my next tool. The dead pen, for with width. It looked awesom after I had gone over certain areas. Bleeding wasn't minimal, but it wasn't great yet either. Hell, it was just starting to hurt/feel good! After the dead pen, I moved on to the bade,perhaps my best friend. After that I was bleeding quite a bit, and loved the site. Blood is so beautiful. So rich in color. I rinsed it off with antibacterial soap, and put some gel on three mickey mouse Band-Aides. The next couple of days, I peeled the scab, and put the gel on, peeled and applied, peeled and applied, until it is now my most prized p ossesion. Healing: There was a couple of problems in my healing process. I got infected about a wekk later, I guess from maybe putting TO muc antibacterial gunk on it. But it soon healed, and I am thinking about getting a tatoo jsut like it. I have a son, and I hope he doesn't do anything drastiic like this when he gets older just to fit in. If he ever does decide to do something like this, I hope it is for the right reasons. I definatly do not regret a single scratch. It is some way that I can express myself, that won't ever get lost or burnt or shredded. That is a part of me for the rest of my life. To anyone who is thinking about this, JUST DO IT MAN. But take my advice, don't do it if you are trying to et attention, or trying to fit in, or trying to be cool. Trust me, it won't work. Do it because you want to be creative and original. Do it because you want to be the odd one out. Do it because it makes you beautiful. Don't just do it.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 31 May 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself
Studio: My+home
Location: Cape+Girardeau%2C+Missouri

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