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From Pain to Love

Cutting to a lot of people seems disgusting. Shameful. I admit, I'm still dealing with acceptance. I have displayed my cutting far too obviously to friends for blatant attention (serious mistake. I regret it because it was stupid.) and have mostly went to enormous lengths to hide my "shameful secret." I still remember my first cutting which was done soon after my fourteenth birthday. A recent break up with the one I considered my first real love had left me miserable. He and I stayed in contact with one another and I soon learned of his own cuttings. He told me he had used a mechanical pencil, then poured ink into it. To me it sounded horrible, and the pencil highly dangerous. But it intrigued me. So soon afterwards I got a simple knife from the kitchen drawer to test out my new idea. It wasn't a large knife mind you, the blade isn't over 5 inches long (we still have it in the house.) I admit I was scared. I see now that I never should have done it for several reasons. I wasn't ready. I wasn't doing it for any of the right reasons (although no one can determine what's right and wrong for others in this case, I have my own ideas about it for myself and why I did it then doesn't cut it.) But, I sat down and carefully drew a capital d, then an a, then another d on my upper left arm (I'm right-handed.) DAD. -My father died when I was younger and I regarded him as my hero, therfore he got first honors so to speak- Each letter was about an inch tall, but as they were my first experiments, they were mere scratches. Not nearly enough to be considered a cut. The pain was very minimal compared to what I have done since. But, at the time it did hurt. It bled slightly. After a few minutes I cleaned it up and went on with my business. The letters stayed there for a few months, hidden carefully from my mother by t-shirts. I remember telling a couple of friends who unintentionally or not, hurt me by calling me sick and so forth, asking me what my problem was. I still remember today how one of them referred to it as "carving yourself like a turkey." One asked me if I was proud of what I had done (maliciously) and I said yes. But this made me think... Perhaps I should be ashamed of it. Maybe what I did was wrong. And my pride slowly faded away, to shame. But the pain thrilled me (naturally, since Endorphins are released when injured) and the blood calmed me. I also loved the experience of testing my limits. I felt that when I pushed my physical and mental limits, I was maturing in some way. I've done a lot since then... (If you want the full thing I typed up before my silly ass remembered the experience is only about one mod, you can contact me.) I'm a little over seventeen now and when I look back I am partly regretful for some of the things I have done. I'm beginning to understand that any form of scarification or mutilation should never be done out of pain. Your emotions can be released in so many other forms that are more positive. But don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that scarification is negative. It's only as negative as you make it and let it be. My current significant other has thankfully accepted and sympathized with me, and has encouraged me to follow my own path, and to not resort to scarification as a release of pain. He is fine with my actions, but he's reinforcing my own, new belief that it should be done with care and love. It should be a thing of beauty, something that you love and cherish, not hate and loathe. With his acceptance we have been allowed a greater sense of intimacy by displaying these acts to one another so openly, in total trust. It is truly a hard thing to remove your shell (my clothing in this case, I consider it my shield) and bare all knowing you will not be criticized or admonished. Since meeting him I have lovingly placed his name on my arm before him, a token of love of sorts. As I said... I'm still coping and changing my ways. But I see now the true beauty in scarification and mods. They are self expression. They are love. We pamper our bodies with fine clothes, fragrances, powders, etc., so why not art? I can be reached via email. I do not have any piercings or tattoos as of now, but I plan to get my first tattoo soon. I will be checking into the Skinworks Tattoo parlor in Shreveport, Louisiana - If anyone has any experience with them, please contact me and let me know how it went. I'm also open to general discussion of other people's experiences and ideas on the subjects mentioned. -Mary-


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 25 April 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself+and+a+Significant+Other
Studio: Various
Location: Various

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