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bitch filth

Recently, my girlfriend broke up with me for another girl. She was my first true love, though it sounds far fetched because I'm only 15. I think it's just that younger people's emotions are far more fragile and therefore we're more likely to be really in love with someone that we wouldn't be in ten years, even if our personalities meshed perfectly. Anyway, on to the story. The day she called me and said we needed a break, I said that's fine. We'll just have a "break." We were still "going out," just kind of putting it on hold. Then she started spending more time than ever with this other girl, and I tried desperately to prepare myself for when she would call and tell me that she'd always be here for me, but that she really liked this other girl, whom we'll call B. B is great, don't get me wrong, but she, in essence, stole my girlfriend from me. No hard feelings though, you can't help who you like.

The night after she started going out with B, I was sitting in my room, crying and listening to K's Choice's song "What the Hell is Love." I picked up a pair of extremely sharp nail scissors and just started going over the "BITCH" on my inner arm where I'd done it before, after a huge fight with my Mom. You had to look hard to see the scars, but I knew where they were because they were mine. I'd done them, so I had the focal point. I made the letters a little bigger, and a little further apart, which made them easier to read. I also made them bleed a little more. I didn't feel that I was describing myself accurately, so after I wrote "BITCH," I started on the word "FILTH" write beneath it. I got done with the first three letters, and then my friend called to see if I was okay. We talked for a while, she told me to put away the "sharp object," even though I hadn't told her I had it. She apparently knows me too well. The next night, I did "T" and she called again. Damn her! So now my arm says "BITCH FILT". I have yet to do the H, because right now those words mean nothing to me. I'm fine, and I've just started a set of rainbow circles under my belly button. Six of them: red, orange, yellow, blue, green and purple in a half-circle under my belly button. I've cut the outlines into my tummy, and I'm going to cut out the insides of the circles tomorrow night, and then peel off the scabs and add colour. I know the colour won't stay, but I want it to for now. Body modification is not for people who can't deal with their emotions. I can deal with my emotions just fine, thought the "BITCH FILT" might not sound like it. I have plenty of scars that I did because they turned me on, plenty that I did because the words meant something (such as "Ozzy" on my inner thigh), and some that I did just for the endorphin rush (such as the E on the back of my wrist.) The best thing I can recommend for a scar is to irritate it, irritate it, irritate it. Scrub it with toothpaste, wine, peroxide, whatever you can find. Saltwater will not help it scar better; I don't care what you say. Sand will, and face scrubs that have sand in them help a lot. If you want the scars to go away, I've found using lotion as soon as they start healing will hinder the process of scar tissue forming. Right now, I feel fairly good about my scars all over. The rainbow is one I'm especially excited about. I know I should keep this to just one mod, but the rainbow isn't done yet and therefore not ready for an 800 word story. I want to get it tattooed when I'm old enough, because not only is the rainbow a symbol of bi pride, it also represents diversity between all people. I'm not that great of an artist, so my feelings concerning things that are really important to me are as follows--do it with a word! I can't do pictures, I'm just not good at it, so I keep it siimple. In the future, I might want a picture or design of some sort, and I have a few friends waiting so they can draw a design on me, but I insist on cutting myself. At least for now. It's not something I want anybody else in on, except maybe my (ex) girlfriend. But she thinks it's unhealthy and not necessary until I'm older, so it will just have to wait.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 25 April 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: in+my+room
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