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....one, big dark room...

When I was gothic, I met this girl named Jessika. We became really good friends and got into some crazy stuff. We would always get together and drink and do drugs, which was pretty horrible, now that I think about it. Everyday we would think of new things to do. One time we decided to pierce our ears about like 4 times each, and I kept doing it because I thought it felt cool at the time, I guess it was because of the drugs I was on, but I don't know. I also seemed to have gotten some sort of high from the pain. The next thing I knew we wandering about and just doing crazy things. The next time we got together we agreed on piercing other things, like my eyebrow, again, and my septum, nose, lip, bridge... We then began scarification, me mostly. I would go upstairs, grab a razor and go back to my room and would just start cutting, not for design, for fun, I guess, or the thrill of the pain. I am not too sure why I did it, now that I think about it, but, I enjoyed it at the time. I gave myself 7 cuts on my left arm, and one on my right arm. Once, I did a cut on my left arm during the middle of social studies class in grade 10. Me and my friend Amanda were high and I told her what I did to my arms, and she didn't believe me, so I grabbed a safety pin and cut myself again. That was pretty bad as well. The next time I saw Jessika, we were sitting in her room and after we had gotten high, we both decided it would be great to be "blood sisters", so there was another scaritfication. The last scarification process I gave myself, where it was cutting, was when I was at Jessika's house and was extremely bored, so I decided "Hey, I'm gonna be cool and cut a pentigram into myleft ankle!"... So I sat there for about twenty minutes and I cut a pentigram into my ankle... It looked nice at the time because I was so messed up about everything that I just though blood was a cool thing to see dripping off myself... Now that I think about this whole shitty experience, I think that it was so stupid.. All the piercings I did myself, and the scarification while high and such. Just a bunch of nonsense that I wish I never did, I always told myself I would NEVER regret it, well, now I do. I regret it so badly... But things happen, and there's nothing i can do about it, so that's my boring story. The healing is still in process of healing. I have all these stupid red scars on me, and if I go into hot water, you can see the outlining of my pentigram. I always got teased by everyone fo rmy scars and crap. i didn't really care then, or at least I tried not to. I don't really know why I wanted to scar myself. I guess the fact that I was getting into that whole gothicness. Like I mentioned before, I don't know why I did this, maybe because I was pissed off about something, because it seemed like everytime I was cutting myself up, I was angry about something. One example would be is that I was like so in "love" with this guy I knew, and he started dating this other girl, and I got so mad an started calling her names, and hurting myself, and so on. I still can't handle the fact that I would cut myself for the pleasure and I thought that I was so cool for doing it too. Even though my parents and my friends got mad at me for doing it, I still thought it was so great and mesmorizing, and that I am superior and stronger than others because I can do this without crying or without chickening out. I feel that the procedure of me cutting myself up was pretty damn pathetic, and like I said before, I wish I could re-do that whole thing over again and that I would have never started cutting myself up. I am glad that I don't do this anymore and if I still did it now, I would have to get some serious help. I am not saying that it's like a stupid thing and that no one should do it, because some scarifications look beautiful, if they are done nicely with great art work. I just think that doing it on myself was the stupidest thing because all i was doing was cutting anti-christ crosses and a pentigram and just a whole bunh of lines for no apparent reason. I hope they heal with in the next couple of years.

I have a few more scars that I didn't mention. I have 2 on my left leg, 2 or 3 or my right, and they are just horrible. I am too embarrassed to wear shorts even when I am alone. I also have an anti-christ cross on my left ankle above the pentigram.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 31 March 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+room
Location: Edmonton%2C+Alberta%2C+Canada

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