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my stars and my tears

It was about a year ago. I just dropped out of high school and started hanging out with some crazy kids at the local mall ,Thought i was cool. And i met this short girl named angel. She was very morbid and always seemed depressed and sad. She was kind of intimadating, so i never spoke to her. Finallay, one day i just walked up to her and started a convo. she got to talk about how bad her life was blah blah blah and i had about the same problems she did. She just didnt know how to deal with them. She showed me a few scars that she had on her arms from cutting herself. She tryed to carve a large cross on the inside of her left ankle. Now i was no pro at cutting people or anything..but i knew i could do better than that. So i went home thinkning about what she had done, and i decided that i would try sumthing close to that. So i went in my kitchen and grabed a knife and tryed to cut a large star into the right outter side of my ankle,Only to find that the knife would not be sharp enuff and it was a hard to reach spot. So i just left a little scratch on and went to bed. The next day i had nothing to do..so i decided to use a razor this time. So i took a regualar shaving razor and took the blade out. I grabbed some peroxide and some vasaline and headed to my room. I sat in my room with a peice of paper,drawing different designs that i wanted. i didnt want just a star or a cross. I wanted something meaningfull. About a half hour later , i came up with a very beautifull star and some little flames around it. To me it represented my boyfriend at the time. The stars were ours. And the flames represented the hurt and pain we've been threw. So i started lightly scratching it into my left ankle first with just a pen cap. So i could go over the red lines on my skin instead of usuing a pen. I had some music going to keep me occupied. It only took about 25-35 mins tops. When i was finished, i rubbed the peroxide on it, and applied a napkin with tape to slow the bleeding. For about 2 days i would take the napkin and tape off and apply it again. Picking off any scabs so it would scar. Then i decided i would show my boyfriend and exsplain to him what it meant to me. I showed him and he fliped out. Thought i was trying to hurt myself. And all this other bull. SO he decided that i was not being mature and he decided to not speak to me for a while. During the time he didnt speak to me, I quickly grew more to the scars and started a new one. Underneath the star i wrote... Once Loved. I quickly got bored with the scars soon after,not hearing from my boyfriend for over a month now, I started hanging back at the mall , where i saw that girl again. I showed her what i had done. She thought it was the coolest thing. And i realized i was just like her. And it made me upset. But i soon realized that it was sumthing that i liked to do. Then i started going to my old school. Where my old art teacher lent me some indian ink. I began to recarve my star and the little flames,and as i did,i began to tear,for the memory of why i first did it. The pain wasnt that bad. Just scar tissue. As i did it i rubbed indian ink on it. That hurt a lil more thou. I let it sit there for about an hour. I had to scrub on the rest of my skin to get it off and leave the rest on the scar. By the time i was done, it was already looking more beautifull. And i did it in a long period of time. So each step remained a memory. About a month later i would recieve a call from my boyfriends mother...telling me that he just passed away. And to this day..everytime i look down upon my star.. i see what it really meant to me..and i remember why i did it. Today the scars are fading a little..so i think im headed to the shop to add some color. And im currently drawing up a new idea with his initials. And maybe some other ideas things to do with him. cus he was my life. and it's why i did what i did. In loving memory.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 31 March 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+home
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