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my triumpth over other people's B*S*

Getting pleasure from pain and feeling the pain of pleasure. Was I stupid, call it what you will. The feel of a razor blade, quickly slicing through my flesh, revealing the blood and muscle underneath, a way for me to get release. Pain? What pain? The pain that drove me to do it? That's what was unbearable. Not the feel of the cold thin piece of steel. Having your only parent tell you your not good enough, why can't you be more like your brother. Having the love of your life break up with you for a 12-year-old girl and go to jail. Feeling the weight of the world crushing you day by day. What is it about self-mutilation that people (including me) get so much of a release from. I never knew. I just knew the blood, the cut; made me the world goes away. It was just I, no bullshit. I have grown since then. I have picked wisher decisions. But I still get such a release from the pain. The scars on my wrist arms and thighs are still there. Each with a different story to tell. It's not something I show off with pride, it's something I hide, nobody needs to know. It's for me to look back and reflect on. I've been treated for major depression in 9th grade. The year I made my change. I completely changed the people I hung out with. I was so stressed. So sad. So lonely. And in my search for love, I had been so neglected and used so many times. One case, I had fallen in love with a guy I didn't even know. Maybe because I was longing to be loved. And to be with someone I love. Word went around that I liked him. And he ended up showing up at the house I was staying at. And convinced me to sneak out. Which I did. He was with his friend. It was late at night. It was dark out. He was so much older than me. We started playing truth or dare. They dared me to do things. Things didn't want to do. I wanted to impress him. Show him I was grown up like him. I did those things. With no regards for how I felt. Not caring about me like usual. He convinced me to go back to his house with him and his friends. I did. I went. I lay on the bed with him. He started kissing me. It was all so fast. His friend touched me...but I didn't want him to. They kept doing it to me. But it was my fault. I wanted to belong. After they did what they wanted to. They left the room. His older brother walked in. he tried to fuck me...the bastard. He wouldn't let go. I pushed him off and ran out. I ran and didn't stop. I ended up sleeping on my friend's porch that cold winter night. I didn't want to wake up his parents. I lay there till morning, cold and crying. But that just made me more and more suicidal. It made me feel like I had no place in this world, only to be abused and mistreated. This was only one of the many "relationships" that broke me down to a pile of sad, pathetic flesh and bone. And I have grown stronger since what I call my dark ages. I have learned so much since then. Although I don't cut anymore and the amount of physical pain I can take has drastically gone down, I still remember everything. I don't advise self-mutilation as a way of getting release. It's what I did. I get body piercings and tattoos now. Not everything I get pissed off or have a grudge against the world. But I guess as a treat to myself for staying strong and becoming more of a person and building the self-esteem I needed to stay alive. I have yet to understand that whole self-esteem and self-image thing, but I'm getting there. One thing that hasn't changed is getting pleasure from pain. Since I lost my virginity(which I lost painfully, emotionally and physically) but that's another story. I find myself attracted to being tied down by my fiancé or tied up to the headboard and being brutally taken advantage of. I've been whipped, bit to the point it would draw blood. mmmm nice isn't it. Although it did take him time to get used to, but he's been very supportive of my sexual desires and needs. That's something I don't know if I want to change or not;)

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 27 March 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: i+did
Studio: whenever%2C+whereever+i+could
Location: ga

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