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My son Elijah

My story is that of a different sort. Of course every story is different than the last, but it's for you to read, and to decide what to make of it. I have always had an interest in Body Modification. Piercing, Tattoo's, Branding, Scars, you name it, and I'm into it. I started slicing up my wrists, and cutting designs into my arms and legs, at the ripe old age of 10. I got my first tattoo (homemade of course) when I was drunk at age 13. KURT. (In memory of Kurt Cobain.) In purple marker rubbed into the cut from a razor blade. Needless to say, this was not a very smart thing to do, so about a year later I went over it alot more experienced in jail house style ink. Since then, I have a crescent Moon and Star on my left shoulder blade, I have a heart on my right ankle, and the BI-sexual symbol on my right wrist. As far as piercing go, I have my tongue done, my ears 7 times, and my belly button was once done, but got a really bad infection so I said goodbye too it. Okay, now that you have an idea of my background, Let me try and get on with my story.

Okay, I have had a boyfriend (Dan) for the last year and a half. He's a great guy, and We love each other, so naturally we have sex. I was on birth control, (Depo, which is "The Shot") and somehow, I ended up getting pregnant anyhow. I found out that I was pregnant 3 months into it. At the beginning, Dan and I decided that we were going to give our baby up for open adoption. I, realizing that I would not be able to deal with the pain of giving away my child, decided to keep it. I took vitamins, took care of myself, quit smoking, all that. I went on to find out that the baby was a boy, so Dan and I decided to name him Elijah Maynard. (Maynard, as in TOOL.) Well, here I am 7 months pregnant, showing and everything, and It's time to go to the doctor. Everything was going fine and dandy, so they went to check Elijah's heartbeat, but were having a hard time locating it. I figure this is normal, Elijah was a pretty active baby, and the night before I had watched him kick objects off of my stomach, so of course I knew that he was just fine. Anyway, they decided to do an Ultra-Sound, to make sure everything was "Alright". Indeed it wasn't. I had lost my son. Nothing had ever hit me so hard, or had hurt me so much. I still haven't accepted the fact that my child is no longer here with me. I'd like to think of him as an angel,...which most of the time I do. To satisfy your curiosity, he was born December 24th, 2000, at 3:52am, weighing only 14oz, and measuring only 11 in. His placenta was thinner than it should have been, and he was slow on his growth, he was smaller than he should have been at 7 months. This baby changed my life in such a way I will never forget. I have decided to get his name on my arm, with Angel Wings behind it, but since I cannot do this until I am of age, and I know that I need something to hang onto right now, I knew exactly what I would have to do. An 'X' right in the middle of my breasts. I didn't know why at the time, it just seemed so perfect. I was going to breast-feed Elijah, and now that I knew I couldn't, I thought there should be something there just for him. And right next to my heart. So I gathered what I was going to use,...which was a simple piece of glass. This is my favorite way to cut on myself, it cuts however you want it too. Especially if you broke the piece yourself, its a very personal tool to use. I put on the song my friend Kit wrote just for Elijah's funeral, along with a black light, a candle, and the purple Christmas lights that adorned my bed. I first wrote in my journal, described my setting, and then lifted my shirt, and removed my bra. I closed my eyes, and inhaled so deeply. I wanted it to be perfect,...I knew I needed to cut deep, so it would leave a scar for the rest of my life. All the blood that would soon drain from these sacred wounds would be the beginning of my healing, and my mourning process. I can't say much about when I began to cut, and when I finished besides the wonderful sense of relief I had. I knew Elijah was there with me at that moment, because I felt him right over my Heart, and this 'X' I now adorn, will always calm me, when I think of my son, and the times we could have had. True, alot of people didn't agree with what I did, not even Dan, but they didn't have the experience I did when I put it there, and they didn't feel the process I felt when I did it. I have no regrets towards it, and its not as deep as I'd like it to be, so I plan on going over it again. I promised alot of people that I would stop cutting on myself, but this one particular cut is a spiritual experience that is indescribable, and It would be unfair of anyone to hold me out on my own personal healing process. If it makes you happier than you could be otherwise, there is NO HARM!!! ~Jen +In Loving Memory of my son, Elijah Maynard Sanders~+

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 26 Feb. 2001
in Scarification

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