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L I f E can be hard

Let me just start with a little background information first... When I was 12, I first started cutting myself. I don't really know why I started. The first thing I did was a little 'symbol' on my hand (the space on the back of my hand between my thumb and the back of my hand) that was a mix of the letters T, L and A.. "true love always". I wasn't in love, so I don't know why I chose that. Probably because I had a mad crush on a guy and I thought if I ever worked up the nerve to talk to him, we would start going out and get married and live happily ever after... Never happened. ANYWAY, I went from there. Most of what I did had no real meaning, I just liked the feel of it, and I thought scars were very interesting. When I was 15, I was depressed and would use cutting myself as a way to escape my depression. Just random slashes. I went from there to burning myself; heating up a lighter and pressing it against my arm. I thought the scars it left were very fascinating and I have 26 at the time that I write this. There are also other burn marks, from heating up pins and pressing them into my arms as well (only 3 of those). I used to be embarrassed of them and would always wear long sleeve shirts so no one would see them. Now, I've thought about getting tattoos on my arms, but I don't want to cover them up, because they are a part of me, so I don't have a lot of room to work with on my forearms. Anyway, on with my newest 'friend'..... I had this friend, we were best friends. 10 years. I found out a while ago, that she has been lying to me constantly and keeping secrets. The secrets thing I can handle, but she has been abusing drugs and alcohol and has become someone (something?) she never was before.. Last night, everything was really bothering me about this, and I have been feeling lately that I need to talk to her about this, but I am not good at expressing myself. I was in my room practicing what I would say to her the next time we spoke, and I broken down crying. The words LIE and SAD and FAKE were all swirling around my head, and that is when I felt I needed to kind of 'mark the occasion'. I didn't really 'prep' myself (cleaning my leg). The only thing I did before was to make sure the word would be straight. I got a black pen and put 10 small dots on my right ankle. I found a lighter and lit a candle and grabbed a safety pin. I bent the pin so there was a piece about 1" that would be the part I did my 'work' with. I healed it over the flame. The first strike was probably the worst, only because I didn't press hard enough. (I ended up going over it 2 more times.) I held the pin over the candle again, and after a few seconds, pressed it against my skin again. With this second strike, the letter L was visible. I did this 5 more times and the word "LIE" was now a part of my leg. I got some water and rinsed it a bit, to try to see if I did an o.k. job.. I didn't really do the best. At-home-branding isn't always the coolest way to go... So, I went over the letters one more time. The first strike sizzled, because I didn't dry off my leg, and that kind of freaked me out ( I don't know why ). I stopped when I was done that round and looked at it. It was actually coming along nicely. I even looked at it in a mirror, that I reccomend, because it gave a different 'perspective' of it. I decided to go over it once more... and I did just that. After the third time, I rinsed with the water again. I was kind of sad, that I had done this, but in another way, I was glad. It has symbolized a very important part of my life, I think. The letters were raised, and that is always a good sign for me, because I know it will leave a nice scar. I peeled away the skin, and rinsed it once more. Looking at it, it was very red and it really stung.. almost like when you scrape your knee or elbow. I blew out the candle and got into bed. I felt relief. Trying to sleep with it was VERY uncomfortable. I could not find the best way to sleep with it so I had to sleep with it out of the blankets (cold). I woke up this morning and looked at it. It is not as 'bad' as I thought it was last night, so, I have decided I will do it over again when it has had time to heal. As with my past 'burnings', I won't put anything on it. I usually let it start to scab over and then I pick the scab. Sometimes it's hard to do, so I let them soak (shower does fine) and I find it comes off easier that way. I keep doing this until it is gone completely, leaving me with a bright pink mark.. which then turns later into white.. though, I still have a few that are kind of pink/purple. So that is my story of last night. I can't say I DON'T recommend doing a 'brand' yourself, but I can't say I do either. I find doing it myself is more personal. I'm not saying I'll have the best results this way, but it is more personal for me to do it to myself. I feel kind of, at peace with myself almost. Having it done professionally would probably be safer and cleaner (and better looking?) in the long run, but last night, it was all about me.... Take care of yourself. -Dawn

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 25 Jan. 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+bedroom
Location: Ontario%2C+Canada

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