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For the Love of Blood

We are something beyond the expected normal. Some of us keep the secret well hidden under pressed suits or skirts and crew cuts. Some of us flaunt it like a picket sign. We are the legion of body adorners, of modifiers, of the inked and pierced and cut and burned. Someone asked me why I choose to "hurt" myself. Is it realy hurting myself if I choose to do it? To me, this lifestyle, this choice, improves me on a level that most people don't understand. It is a position of power, of divine right. This is my body, and I will do with it as I choose. And if anyone else tries tries to force their decision or ideas or wants on me and my body, I will reclaim it with yet another ring of metal through my flesh, or rivulet of scarlet on my skin. "How can you have a child and do this to yourself?" I hear this all the time. Well, because I want to be as open minded as my daughter is not. Fresh, wide eyed, seeing everything in a new way all the time. Because I enjoy the knowledge that whatever I want to do to make myself more of what I want to be, I can do on my own, because to see my own blood on my fingers is to look into myself as though through a personal microscope, to be beautiful in my eyes. Last night, around 1am, while a very lovely friend was giving me a play by play or his self piercing project on ICQ and listening to the rain outside, I felt inspired. I've done a few self cuttings, but nothing so directly connected to personal growth. In the aftermath, of course there is a lesson somewhere to be learned, but I never marked myself AFTER the learning. My mother, for some ungodly reason, feels the need to use my cutting blade as a kitchen utensil, so I had to go find my scalpel. Now this is a fun little tool, but I always end up making the cuts deeper than expected, so for all those reading, be wary to not cut important things that you might find useful later. I asked my lovely friend where I should put the design I had in mind, and knowing I like a challenge, he said the back of my neck. Perfect. Now, the design is like an arrow with four points, a very personal and sacred symbol, so the simplicity of the design and the difficulty of the placement even each other out. Mind you, the majority of this was done without a mirror, because I have moments of mindlessness. The best moment of a cutting is that first penetration of the skin. It's the moment that one fights the instinct to stop the pain. I pushed my scalpel in slowly, then pulled it down about 2 inches. The blood was already flowing, sliding down my spine and pooling on the towel I was sitting on. Call me sick, but it's one of the most erotic feels there is. I waited a moment and started the first angled line at the top of the first cut. Visualization is a big thing when trying to do an acurate cutting in a place you can't really see, unless you have a few mirrors and think to use them. The room didn't exist, just the occasional messages from my lovely friend, things slowed down. Something unique happens when you bleed to improve your physical self, and that's what I started to feel, oh, and the dizziness of adrenaline is always a plus. After finishing the first point, I paused to collect myself and relax, to breathe and think about the next cut. By this point, i was bleeding all over the coffeetable {sitting on the couch or carpet and bleeding is not a good idea, I reccomend flat surfaces that can be wiped off and steralized}, and I had to change towels. Starting the next cut took more time, I had to feel the length out again and decide on how far apart the points should be. The nerves were all awake and warm, so the next cut had slightly more pain involved, not a big deal after giving birth. I just concentrated on the design and continued making the 6 more cuts with as little hesitation as possible. It was rather quick and the memory even now is hazy, but the feeling is not. Hot, slick with blood, powerful, the gentle pulsing and ache of the design itself. I felt outside myself, detatched from the physical. It's an amazing feeling and my lovely friend was more than encouraging and kept saying he wanted to see it and touch it. The grin on my face was permanent for hours afterward. I washed the blood from my back and hands, gently cleaning the new wound with very diluted antibacterial soap. I considered going over it again with the blade, but the blood was flowing freely and I figured I could go over it in the morning. Two bandaids and a gauze pad over it and off to sleep I went. Today, I woke up feeling the ache of pain and stickiness of the blood on my neck. A shower and some more cleaning with the very diluted soap made it bleed more, and on the second day, it doesn't feel so yummy as the first, but the warmth still is, so yay. I have a small box of ashes from a willow branch that a someone very close gave to me. The cuts were stil laid open, since I only slept a few hours, it hadn't had time to have much of a scab even. So I went over the design again and dabbed up the blood, then gently rubbed the ask into the wound. It feels alot like salt, and it hurts alot like salt. Day 5 It's beautiful and mine. The healing is coming along wonderfully. I'm very happy with it, and even more pleased that I did it myself. The reactions of my mom and friends have been mixed, but oh well, it's my neck. It's not warm or achy anymore, but I can still feel it, in an unexplainable way. If there are any questions or comments, feel free to email me. I love feedback. Safe journeys. Daitenshi

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 25 Jan. 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: self-done
Studio: my+living+room
Location: Louisiana

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