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the real melancholy of it

to start off, i guess i'll try to describe myself a little. i'm a 15 year-old chick from southern cali. the first time i ever purposly scared myself was around x-mas 99. since then i've done 2 other scars. the second is a self-brand on my inner wrist, the third is a 2 and a half inch diameter star on my inner elbow area. ok, i guess the reason i'm writing this (and maybe it's the wrong reason?) is more to voice my opinion on the why's and whatnot of this subject. when i first scared myself, it was semi-obvious that it was no accident. i did manage to convince some people that it was, but most people who knew me knew what i was doing. i've read many articles on self-injury and the psychologic views on it. both then and now, i know why i did it. as a child, i wouldn't say i was beat or punished harshly, but there might well have been something. with a rocky relationship and my unwise mind, it was the only way that i thought i could be "punished". it's funny now saying it, but that's how i felt. i had messed up three times, made three big mistakes that past month, so three pretty good size circles were melted into my forearm. i had never felt the way i did at that moment. never felt the pure numbness running through my veins. i just layed there, trying realize what was going on. but i was gone, heh, my room was so calm, so still. the chills ran down my spine and my hair stood on end. i think it's safe to say, that from that moment on, i was hooked on pain. it was such a rush! for a moment everything in the world was gone. every little anger or tear inside me, disappered. or maybe they didn't. it didn't matter, i didn't care. the only problem, they do come back. reality snaps back to place and everything i just expirenced vanishes, with only a scar to show it's one-time presence. well, this is all great to me. the scars, i think they're cool. i love the feeling i get when someone runs their fingers (or other things) over them. the scared tissuse is super sensitive. heh. yes but, other people, they are not so open to this idea. it really makes me angry, thou, when people (usually friends, or close aquitences) see my scars and go something like "omg, are you a devil worshiper or something?" "what the heck is wrong with you?!?" first off, a very close friend (i consider him my brother)of mine is a high priest at a dark church. body mods are not the work of the devil or any of the like. even if i did worship a darker form, it wouldn't likely be the basis of my scars. second, i do not have something wrong in my head, family problems, suicidal thoughts, or murderous plans because i engage in scarification. i find that some people are so closed minded and set on what is suposed to be right and acceptable. but also; recently i have found out that alot of people i know and even good friends of mine, are into scarification. some for different reasons then i find in my mind, but i can totally see what they are going through and still relate on some levels. just like i have done in the past, many of them cut or scar in grief or anger. just to watch their own blood run down the skin, to feel something. i don't talk about them to others, but it's really comforting and reasuring to know that i'm not alone and they are rite there by my side. now we become neutral. my boyfriend, he is a little uneasy about it. he's open with the idea somewhat, he has done it too himself. the problem is he always asks me why. "why do you do that to yurself?? is it some cry for help maybe?" not in a harsh or mean way. no, no i tell him. it's so hard for me because usually i can't explain myself or other things very well. i have a horrible habbit of saying "i don't know". so he gets sad, and worries. and why do i do it? i'm not exactly sure. is anyone totally sure why they do the things they do? i doubt it. i guess the reason i can say is most true, is the high and release. the feeling of yur skin melting under hot metal is like no other. i fall to the floor with complete peace. the tension in my mind body and heart relax a bit. people let out stress in different ways. some write, exercise, fight, cry, and whatnot. people get high in different ways. heh. some do drugs, drink (alcohol), consume excessive sugar, and whatnot. scarification is not for everyone, it's not accepted by everyone. i can only speak for myself, and i think it is just as reasonable as any other form of release.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 15 Dec. 2000
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+little+house
Location: SoCal

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