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The Beauty of Pain

lways been into piercings, tattoos, etc., but I've always considered things like scarification a little too hard-core, even for me. However, a few years ago, I started getting extremely depressed, and was constantly looking for a way to handle it. I could never find anything that quite did the trick, until I discovered BME... flashback It all began about a month ago, when I started looking at the Scarification section on the BME website. At first, I thought it was a little too wierd, even for me. But then, as I read people's experiences, and saw the beautiful designs people had done, I completely opened up to it. Now, I don't know if this is just coincidence or not, but about a week after I realized how 'cool' this whole scarring thing is, I started cutting myself with my super-sharp pocketknife to take my mind off my deep-set depression. It worked. The glorious pain I inflicted upon myself caused me to temporarily forget my troubles, and gave me such a wonderful physical feeling; like being high. The first time I did it was just incredible. I was home alone for the weekend, while my family was on a vacation. My depression was getting worse and worse by the day. One night, I started having an anxiety attack. When this happens to me, I usually would just sit down and write in my journal. But it just didn't work this time. Then I remember all these experiences I had read about in magazines like YM and Teen People about former cutters. They had described how good it felt, and how it took their minds off whatever pain they felt. I decided to try it. I took out a pocketknife and sharpened it as best as I could. Then, sitting on my bed, I picked a place on my arm and pressed the blade to it. I pressed harder and harder, then finally dragged it across my skin. Watching the skin break and the blood flowing freely was so beautiful, I can't even describe it. And it worked. My anxiety attack stopped immediately, and I was left with a rush. I starting cutting every day. And every day started to get better. But then, I discovered just how hard it was too keep those scars hidden from my mother. I had to start wearing long sleeves even in hot weather, and couldn't walk around the house in loose, short-sleeved clothing (or sky-clad ^^;;) like I used to. I decided that, since I knew I couldn't stop cutting now that I had started, I would direct it somewhere else. Something beautiful, something artful, something spiritual. Then I remembered BME. I contemplated this for a few days, constantly thinking of the whole scarification practice, then decided upon the Virgo symbol on my left ankle (I'm a Virgo). It would be both beautiful, and would allow me to create this cutting addiction into an art form. So the day I decided I would do it was a school day, and I knew that I wouldn't be alone at home, so I figured I would sneak into the bathroom in the library just up the street from my school and do it. Now, having cooly slinked into the bathroom and locked the door, I put my bookbag down and pulled out my trusty pocketknife. I positioned my foot on the edge of the sink, and pulled my sock down and my pant leg up. I then proceeded to press down on my skin with the blade; HARD. Then, I dragged it across the skin, and felt it being broken, hitting the tender flesh inside. That feeling was so incredible....I couldn't believe it. After the first line, and had to stop and relish in my head rush and heavy feeling in my heart. Then, the rest of the design went rather quickly. After cleaning up the blood, and applying pressure to stop alot of the bleeding, I gazed at my beautiful symbol. I love it, and since I did it (a few days ago), I can't stop looking at it. I even have ventured far enough as to show a few of my most trustworthy friends. They think I'm crazy, but a few think it's actually pretty cool. Pretty soon, I was dying for another fix. I decided I would do a star on my other ankle. Again, I did it at the library down the street from my school. This time, it was even more precise, and deeper too. I even put a circle around it in order to make a pentacle (I'm a Wiccan ^^;;). It's so beautiful. My only problem is that they are now almost dissapeared now from all that healing my body insists upon doing. I'm thinking of doing an ink rubbing. However, I dont know where to get tattoo ink, and I'm scared to use regular pen ink. I'm so glad that BME has opened my eyes to this wonderful art form. I know this won't be my last artful scar, and the next one I do, you guys will be the first to hear about it on this web site. Thanks guys!

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 15 Dec. 2000
in Scarification

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Artist: Me
Studio: Various+Places
Location: Southern+California

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