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my own private *Star*

been "cutting" myself ever since i was 10, (i am 15 now) and at first it was just straight lines (and sometimes i curvy one or two) where noone could see them... but that all changed when i got fed up of hiding my cutting from the world... it just didn't make sense that i had to hide something that made me feel so good... because cutting for me has always been a way to cope with feelings that are very emotional, and that need to be expressed... and so i express them by cutting my skin. there was no other way that i found satifying both emotionally and physicaly... so with 5 years of cutting behide me, and probably several more in front of me, i continue to cut in private, but no longer feel the need to hide my healing. Valentines day 2000... that was the day i decided to do something good for myself!!! it was the day i decided to take control of my cutting, and do it the way i turely had wanted to do it for all those years... i was tired of trying to hide my scars, and explaining them to the girls in gym class... (cuz that's the ONLY time i ever wore shorts) and i know that we all have had those feelings at one point or another... And just before i go into the details of my experence i wanted to let you know that i am in love with stars... (almost) everything i own has a star on it... they are the most beautiful shapes!!! and i am not sure how i got hooked on them but for the past 3 or 4 years, i have been almost obsessive over them :) Now, we all know that valentines day, if you don't have a significant other, is extreamly depressing. and that night i was totally numb to all feelings. and i often have that problem, i get very dissconnected and it seems like my life is not mine anymore, it's almost like an OBE (out of body experience). and i am watching my body go through the motions of life... and when that happens i have to cut myself, and see my very own blood to make sure that i'm still here and very much alive (at least physiclly speaking)... and others of you reading this i KNOW can relate to that feeling. And this past valentines day late at night i was feeling that way... but it was different somehow... i KNEW i was depressed but my sense of touch was extreamly sensitive for some reason, and everything i touched seemed to much more real, (like i have a velvet pillow and normally i love it, it is so soft. but that night it was almost like a mink fur or something, it felt real, and alive) and so i knew that i had to do something for myself that night that had to do with my sense of touch. i had to do something that would remind me everytime i looked at it that my life was real, and i did mean something to someone (best friends Daphne and Sid). SO, i carved the most personal of all my scars (past and present), a 5 point star that is about a square inch and a half big. it is located on my forearm. i started the night off by lighting candles(like i always do) and putting on some relaxing music (which for me is some nice smooth thecno, but ya know, whatever floats your boat!) and gathering my "supplies" (my ex-acto knife and a towel and peroxide) and i set to work. the first cut was so sweetly painful... i cut rather deep, (about a cm) and i drank in the sensations as i slowly dragged the blade across my skin. i loved the way the blood looked as at raced it's way to the surface... and every now and then i would stop for about ten mintues just so that i could watch my blood creep out of the incision. the first cut (which is about 2in long) took me about an hour and half to compleat... and then the other 4 followed taking about equal time to finish... so, the whole ordeal took about 7 1/2 hours, from about 10pm-5am... and after it was done and over with i looked at my star and i was so happy with myself... and very satisfied with the outcome... it was covered in blood, yet the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. After i was done cutting i cleaned out my star with peroxide (that yet again adding to the pain factor of this all). and after i made sure it was all clean i put back my supplies and crawled into my bed, i laid there for about an hour, thinking back over the experence and feeling my arm throb in sweet agony. then i decided that before i fell alseep i needed one final look at my new carving. so i pulled my arm out from under the sheets and i smiled as i saw the one thing that makes me happy (stars) and i gave it one final kiss and finally decided to go to sleep. and to this day i treasure my star like it's my most prized possesion ever... and when people ask me why i have it, i just tell them that it fell out of the sky and landed there so that i could always know that my goals are within my reach, and people don't have to be mean and rude to me :) ~Starlett~

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 10 Aug. 2000
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: my+bedroom+%3A%29
Location: East+Lansing+MI

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