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:Scars Are Beautiful::

..Where to begin...Well, This is my "scarification" story. Just another tale of pseudo teen angst gone wrong, and taken out on myself. Let me just say I am not another wannabe-jaded teenager looking for sympathy for my bullshit problems. I am a mature person, looking to share my experience with those interested. I first cut myself when I was 12. That seems so far away now, but it opened the wound, so to speak, that would lead to me cutting myself the rest of my life. I found it was a way that I could relive the pain or frustration I felt, without hurting others directly. The first time I did it with a large needle. It felt good... the pain didn't register; I only felt the relief of letting out the flood of emotion I felt. From then on, whenever I could not deal with what I was feeling, I would hurt myself. I cut mostly on my arms, sometimes legs, and occasionally other places. I would use razors or pins or whatever I could find to scrawl random lines and words into my flesh. Sometimes I would write a word that described how I felt, sometimes I would draw a design. Some people say they cannot understand how I could bear the pain of it, but I could not, and cannot see how else to deal with it sometimes. I have been in and out of counseling, and while it helps with other things, it does not take away the desire to hurt myself. I don't think talking to someone is what it takes. It is, in a way, addicting. Once you feel that pain, followed by the relief, there seems to be no better way out. It is something I feel will always be with me. I think that all scars are beautiful. While I do not show them off to get attention like some people, I am in no way ashamed of them. They each seem to tell their own story. All the lines and cigarette burns are a representation of something I have been through, or an emotion I have felt. When people ask about them, I will try to tell them how I feel, or felt. Sometimes I do not know what to say though. When people treat me like I am insane just for letting my feelings out this way, I do not know how to explain to them why I do it. It seems anything I can say will only make them more confused. All that really matters is that I know why I do it, and that is the only real way to justify it. If you like it, and it makes sense to you, why not do it? If it takes away from your frustration, then it can't really be that bad, can it? The scars that hurt the most in terms of psychical pain are the burns. I only do those when I am really upset and a cigarette is all I have. I do not scar myself just to feel the pain, that's not what I am after. Extreme pain does help take away from the emotional pain though. The way I usually cut myself is with a razor. It feels the best to me, I like to feel my skin rip and see the blood well up. I like glass a lot too, but that's not always available. :) I think some people who cut themselves do it for attention. That pisses me off, when people exploit something serious and personal to get noticed. I saw a girl at the mall once, with fresh cuts all up her arms, showing them off to anyone who cared. It was like the latest fad to her, just something else to be the center of attention. That is not how I feel about them. I think they are a personal extension of who you are, and something you do for yourself. That is one reason I posted this story without a name, not because I am ashamed, but because I do not feel it is everyone's business to know who I am. If you want to know more, or have a similar experience, you can email me. About the healing... I have never really cleaned my cuts much, and yet have never had a serious infection. I know that it is kind of stupid not to clean out a fresh wound, but I just see no reason for it. I like to sit and feel the pain, it is not a mathematical process where I cut myself, then go clean it up. It is an emotional experience, I like to sit and feel the pain sink it. Anyhow, just wanted to let out my opinion on cutting, and share a bit about my experience with it. Thanks for listening.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 06 Aug. 2000
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself...
Studio: Many+Places...
Location: CA

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