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Reclaiming myself

little bit about me, before I start. I'm a girl, living at home in Texas with my mother. I've got facial piercings, odd hair colors, and I dress "funny". I'm fairly easy to get along with, but since people are so hooked up on appearances, I'm not usually approached. I've got quite a lot of people that know me, but I don't really know anyone else. It's one of my problems, I guess. I can't remember someone unless there's something extraordinary about them. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not my own person, that I'm not the one that's in charge of my own life. Things keep happening that I'm not wanting, especially when it comes to me personally. I'm poor as dirt, my aunt might have breast cancer, etc. It's one bad thing after another, and none of it's really anything that I can control. It's like my life has been taken over by some sinister being that just loves to see me stumble and fall. I think perhaps part of my problem is that I'm too independant, and when someone tells me "No" I freak out a little bit. I had done a heart in my leg years four years before now, and it was fading badly. When it was done, it was done by my best friend at the time, Sarah, and it was a sort of symbol of our friendship. It was done with an automatic clicker pencil while we were in school, Sarah carved and Heather held my leg as I studied for a science exam that I had to take the next period. Eventually, we drifted apart and I moved 600 miles away here to Texas, but I always had that scar to remind me of the best time I had when I was back in Nebraska. Now that it was fading, I never thought about that awesome year. I decided to recarve into myself, to redo this heart that meant so much to me. It was midnight or later when I got this idea. I rummaged around in the computer desk drawer and found a little exacto knife. I wiped the blade down with some rubbing alcohol and went at my leg. Unfortunately, it was quite dull from being used to cut apart boxes, and it took quite a long time to actually get through the layers of skin needed. Finally, it got through and started bleeding pretty good. It was like, with each layer of skin that I went through, another part of me was reclaimed. I no longer felt like my life was out of my hands. As my blood flowed down my leg and the knife went deeper and deeper, the sensations from it seemed to connect me to myself. The pain, the trickling of the blood, the cold knife cutting through my flesh all brought me closer to myself. That was yesterday. Today, I designed a tribal thingie to go on either side of the heart that was scabbed over quite nicely. After a page and a half of ideas, I finally decided on a simple line design. It was to symbolize the here and now. A little from the past, a little from the present. I found a really sharp razor in the back of the computer desk this time and cleaned it with some more alcohol and went at my leg again. This time it didn't take nearly as long, and hurt a lot less. Definately use a sharp knife or razor if possible. I also went over the heart again, just in case the dull knife didn't get everything it should've. I let it bleed a little bit and then decided to make a paper copy of it. I got a piece of paper towel and pressed it against my small carving and lifted it away. A perfect replica of it was on the paper. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, put it up somewhere, perhaps on my wall. Only problem is, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going to put it. My wall is covered in rock posters and such. I'm not really worried about what people will think. I told one friend and he was like "as long as you don't end up half dead." Hopefully, other people will see it the same way, although I know they won't. I'm not going to tell my mother, no no no. When she found out about the heart the first time she freaked out. She'll freak even more now that I'm older and "know better". I think the next one I do wil be the chinese symbol for luck. I'll eventually get an actual tattoo, but right now, these scars have so much more meaning to me. Plus, on my limited budget they cost exactly what I can afford!

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 06 Aug. 2000
in Scarification

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Artist: Me
Studio: In+front+of+my+computer
Location: Texas

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