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pain as an aphrodisiac

ivide this up into several parts since i am encompassing a lot of stuff in here. obviously first comes the introduction.......... since i wrote "a star is born," i haven't cut myself with the intention of releasing anger, punishing myself, or just being bored. since i'm home from school for the summer, i have to be careful about my "extracurricular activities" being visible, if you know what i mean. my mom and i had one of those really shitty, embarassing heart-to-heart talks a little while back and i know she's on to me...... my "getting scratched by tree branches" story is wearing a little thin nowadays. the situation is complicated by the fact that my mother is very smart. :) good for her, bad for me. the cutting.......... anyways, i had been thinking a lot about the star i carved into my leg,and what it meant to me when i decided that i wanted another scar somewhere. unfortunately, since the untimely discovery of my star by my mother, i was forbidden to ever "do anything like that" again. so the obvious result is that i have to start scarring myself where my mom will never see it, at least until i can convince her that it's art.....plain and simple. so i decided that i wanted to carve a simple heart on on my stomach, just inside of my left hipbone . i decided on the heart because for anyone to see that heart means that i'm showing them my naked self, and for me to do that indicates a strong trust on my part. i do not give out my trust easily, and i want to make sure that whoever i give it to will know what a big deal it is for me. i began by tracing out the heart on a piece of paper and cutting it out, duh. so then i had the task of tracing it on my stomach...... sounds easier than it is!! to start with, im not quite what you would call "petite", so i had to work around my belly a little. it also didnt help that i chose my lower stomach anyway. the skin isn't taut and even where there is no fat, mine, at least, is kind of, well, squishy. so to even just trace the design on my skin took considerable skill, and much patience. it took a few minutes to just get a decent outline on my body. so i grabbed the swiss army knife, sharpened it, and went to work. this time i think i chose "cold" to listen to (good depressing music), and i sat on the edge of my bed and started carving. at first i had a really hard time sinking the blade into my flesh and i wondered how i did it before. the thought of just giving up crossed my mind. i felt kind of funny and realized that what was missing was my emotional connection. the only reason i was cutting myself this time was because i wanted the design; with the star at least the inspiration to actually do it came from anger, and instead of wanting to just hurt myself, i thought i would put some of that anger to use to create something beautiful. so i sat and thought about it and realized that i was not going to let something.......anything..... stand in the way of something i wanted. so i kept dragging that cold blade through my flesh and after a few minutes the pain just melted away. after the first couple of cuts it stopped hurting, and actually started to feel good. the cuts got deeper and longer and i didnt stop cutting until my design was complete. when i was finished i had such as sense of accomplishment and pride that i had finished what i had started without pussying out. im not sure it was a rush exactly, just a sense of well-being. tips for anyone interested in artistic cutting................... --i would never want to have someone else cut me, unless i wanted something that i couldn't do myself. for me, the best part of cutting is doing it myself, controlling the pain, and having complete control over my design. i understand that some people desire larger creations, and for them, i suppose going to a professional is a good idea.

--i recommend doing as much cutting in one sitting as you can handle. it becomes so much easier as you press on, no pun intended, that it doesn't make much sense to have to start again. a few days after i finished my star i carved a duplicate of the star on the opposite side of my stomach, only this star was broken. even after just a few days, my nerve was gone and i had to get the courage up again.
--as with any tattoo or piercing, be sure that what you are going to carve is going to be something you will like. scars will fade, but they might not fade completely. the second star i did turned out kind of shitty, and i dont dislike it, but its kind of unrecogniseable :) oh well....... you win some you lose some, right? --location location location! you are the master of your domain, or at least your body, but carving a pentagram in the middle of your forehead probably isnt too wise if you live at home! just think about what you're doing and the reactions you'll get. those reactions may be part of what you seek, but they will not always be good, and family especially frowns upon this sort of behavior..............trust me. it also affects the skil involved in the cutting. cutting my ankle was very easy....the skin was taut, there was little squishyness, and for those bloodfiends like myself, it bled a lot. my stomach hardly bled at all..... it was disappointing. i also had to pull the skin tight for the hearts because it is less tightly connected to the body there. also there were few scabs to pull at. if you cut yourself in a place that doesn't get tan is going to show scars better. --use razorblades.... get a bunch and use a new one every time. nothing sucks more than dragging a dull blade through your flesh. ugh. i didn't happen to have one....... i looked....... and just used my trusty swiss army knife. now in response to the title........ since i've realized who i really am-- through cutting, through piercing, through modification in general-- i've also realized that certain types of pain are very enjoyable. i love sex...... i've always enjoyed it, but it always seemed like i wasn't totally fulfilled. when i orgasm i have to quiet myself..... im a screamer..... and if there's no pillow available, my arm serves to muffle me. one time i had my arm in my mouth to quiet myself down, and i bit down.... hard; the next day i had teeth marks. when i bit down, i had no idea how hard i was biting...... all i knew was that it made my orgasm much more intense. since i've realized this masochistic part of me, sex has never been better. i have to be careful though....... about a month ago i sank my nails into my forearm and dug so deep that sitting here right now, i have four very distinct pink scars. during sex i'd tell him to hurt me and he would scratch the length of my legs and torso, but its never been enough. i think he's afraid to hurt me or something but i just want to feel that beautiful pain. i acutally would like to get involved in play piercing but i have no idea how to get started in something like that. i do some bondage, usually bottom, but nothing too extreme...... i've been looking for an explicit alternative sex book but im having a hell of a time finding something like that. well okay now you know alllllll about my sex life. i hope something...... anything i've said in here has been helpful, useful, or just plain entertaining. please email me if you have absolutely anything to say to me........ happy cutting!

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 20 July 2000
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: room
Location: home

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