various ramblings of a scarred up girl
ook down at my body i see a time line of my existence marked by various scars and burns; each with their own story. Only a few have an actual shape, most are just random puffy scars accompanied by little dots where suture thread used to be. I don't notice them anymore, sometimes when i'm handing people their change or showing my I.D. to get sigarets people catch a glimpse of my arm and give me a startled look. Sometimes compassion. Unneeded of course. Sometimes fright, disgust. It's all a part of me. I'm used to it i suppose. I remember the first time i cut myself. I was 12. i remember the slow itch of the X-acto knife neatly slicing through layer by layer of skin. How blue the little veins looked and the yellowish-white fatty tissue forcing it's way out of the wound.. The blood running down my arm was mesmorizing. It was like that glazed look you get when your eyes blurr over from watching a flickering flame. My blood was as dark as i had ever seen it. It was like crimson syrup slowly making it's way down my skin. The taste. I licked it off my skin but the blood had already stained and caught on the little hairs on my arm. i sat with a little girl smile, contented with what i had done, numb of all the unhappiness and rage that had been recently so strong. I believe that was just the beginning. I had a little box containing 10 different X-acto blades, for craft making of some sort i suppose. I would take them out and suck on them usually after i had just created a new scar... An odd taste. It was a mixture of cold tangy metal and salty dried blood. Beautiful in it's own way. I have no way of knowing what exactly was next, many many irregular scars litter my arms. One when my best friend and i wrote a letter to her boyfriend in blood. Pieces of an old obsession's name. A Nirvana smiley face with Kurt Lives written around it. "Ahh.. the Grunge years.." For a while i had a fascination with painting using my own blood as a medium. Did you know that dried blood on paper glows crimson under a black light? Trivial knowledge most don't know i'm sure.
Laughs Years ago some friends and i took a statue of the Virgin Mary and decided to make our own literal bloody mary. Dull razor, gimme a new one.. Slice! Not bleeding fast enough. Slice! must go deeper. Gash! my arm spread open three inches and blood poured out of my body. Well, Mary was Bloody. The whole insides of my arm popped out of my skin, it looked fake, i guess you don't see the insides of your arm that often. Well, not i anyway. Wrapped it up with a dirty sock and spent the night under the Trussel. The next day i took it off and wrote my name in three feet high letters of blood across the width of the road. Then it rained and and the road forgot who Sarah was and the stitches healed and left to memory. Rain. I sat in the rain one time next to my aunts' flower garden and burried a sigaret in my hand. It still pertrudes quite a bit from the rest of my skin. Next to that is a yin-yang. Not too proud of that one. Good ole exacto knife. Carved that down to about 6 layers. It's bright as day, "oh my god is that a yin-yang on your hand?" yes. Perfectly round too. That took a while to heal, went thru a few stages of green scabs and coloring it in with a marker. Next to that a star; drawing ink. Doesn't work too well for tattoos:) I do have a single professionally done tattoo so far. TAURUS in olde english on the back of my neck. I love it. I'm very much a taurus and very much into astrology. The guy who did my tattoo wasn't that good of an artist i have to admit. But he did a great job on mine. I got the whole "take off your shirt and show me your tits" routine and various lude comments through out the sitting. I was just happy to finally have my first tattoo.. I loved the sound of the buzzing tattoo gun and the way it gently scraped down my neck. It sent shivers down my spine and gave me that contented little girl smile again. Many many more to come. I drew up a Queen of Pentacles Tarot card in the style of Sailor Jerry that's going to be next on my forearm. I can't wait. No more scars though. That was a time in my life that has passed and i doubt i'll be going back to. I'm venturing into a more colorful form of self expression, and i couldn't be happier.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 17 July 2000