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God, Who Are You?

st true ritual scarification experience came at one of the lowest points of my life, when I needed honest answers to my deepest and possibly most profound question about existence. I began by boarding up my house so that no one could enter without a blowtorch or a bomb. I told my friend that I would be "going in" for about a week, and asked him not to let anyone disturb me under any circumstance. I then proceeded with ceremony by shaving off all my hair. I said prayers and placed the hair on an alter I had built in the center of the room, then burned the hair, sending my prayers up with the smoke. After some time in meditation I took up the blade that I had sterilized by burning, and placed it between my breasts above the nipple line. I slowly pressed the knife into the skin until it punctured the surface, and pulled the knife downward to my navel. It was difficult. The knife (a small pocket knife) was dull, but I wanted it to hurt enough to match my inner pain. I felt a little dizzy, but it wasn't the kind of fuzzy dizziness that comes with spinning in circles. It was a mind altered euphoric dizziness that forced the breath up out of me from the deepest part of my spirit. I had to make the cut a few times to get it to go deep enough, until the blood slowly trickled down my torso to pool up in my navel. I then placed the blade on the incision just under my left breast and made another cut across to the left over my heart, creating a cross-like pattern on the full of the torso, except there wasn't an arm on the right side of the cross. When the cutting was completed I used the blood in a painting I had been working on that was placed to my left. I stood with my arms outstretched to the universe, hands open, facing upward. I breathed in deeply and uttered my prayer, soul screaming as loud as my pain. "God, I don't know who you are, I don't know what you are, but I need to know the truth! I don't want mans precepts, nor do I want to hear religious ideals. I just need to know the truth! I felt my spirit go out and I heard my voice penetrate the fabric of existence. I felt release. Two days later (on the third day) I layed my body down to sleep for a while. I slept for two hours, then I was wakened by the sensation of someone carressing me from behind. (I was laying on my stomach.) At first I thaught I was dreaming, then I realized I wasn't. I was angry. Who had entered my house and how? Quickly I turned, "What the f...?' I stopped in mid sentance as the rest of the words caught in my throat. What I saw wasn't human, and was so frightening I froze, unable to even think. But the "small still voice" reached up from my solar plexus to my heart and whispered gently to me, filling me with the sweet elixer of a courage I had never known. "If you face this without fear, all things will be open to you" the voice said. And it was so. I faced an entity that was not from here, without fear, but with a strange compassion that made my sore and broken being feel like fresh flowers in a beautiful meadow. I noticed that the entity seemed young, almost innocent, and I felt compassion. "You must leave', I said. 'You do not belong here". It stared at me for a brief moment, then without gesture, moved away, evaporating into another dimention. I was blown away, not sure of my own sanity at this point. I sat blinking for a moment and tested to see if I was awake or dreaming. I was definately awake. By this time I was sitting up in my bed, and I lay back down, staring at the ceiling a little dazed at what had just happened. As I gazed upward, I noticed an oval shape above me like an opening, and like light, only not. As I continued to stare at it the shape moved toward me, growing as it came closer, until finally it swallowed me up wholly. I found myself in another place, and there I saw "all things" as promised. Though there was no "thing" to "see". It was the purest sweetest existence I hope to experience once and for all time and again, but I cannot explain "it". I was instructed to bring back (to this reality) whatever was most important to me, because the physical brain is not capable of comprehending the capacity of what I saw. It would blow up the brain like an overdriven computer. So this is what I brought back... There is nothing to fear. There is no hate, or love as we understand it, no "right" or "wrong" as we would judge things. These things we have imagined in our own minds, and have manifested them on the physical plane in war, hate, killing, marriage, conditional, subjective love and judgement. We've created it all out of fear; fear of what we have forgotten in our disconnectedness from... that which I saw. After that I began to have other interesting experiences. I could see my etherial body and the geometric structure af physical objects. Even now I can see sound, taste colour, feel spirit, and smell people very far away. For days I walked around seeing what I call Divine Light in everything from air and breath to inanimate objects and people and words. I could "see" and feel Divine Love that is nothing like romance or affection for your friend. It was healing and vital and tangible. I still have the scar, seven years later. Though it's faded some, I touch it and smile. I am greatful for the experience that changed my life forever. Since then I have had to face fear many times, and sometimes it's dreadful, but those who know about the experience and my scar gently remind me, there's nothing to fear. I know that it wasn't the ceremony, or the scar of itself that changed my life, but the deepest most sincere desire to know Truth, and the grace that showed it to me through the sheer will and determination expressed in doing the ceremony. OLO BABBAMA

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 29 June 2000
in Scarification

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Studio: done+at+home
Location: Arizona

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