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Self-Mutilator Finds Cure

Self-Mutilator Finds Cure

At A Glance Author No longer innocent Contact No longer innocent@bme.anon Artist me

Well here I am. I just burned myself again. This time was different. I am twenty years old. I have self mutilated for roughly the past twelve years. It started with picking at scabs and light cuttings. It moved on to larger cutting and scraping. When I was 13 I started smoking cigarettes. One time while sneeking a smoke in the garage, I wondered how bad burning myself would be. I put out my cigarette on the top of my left thigh. Every since then I have burned myself. I never did it as an art form or to symbolize anything, I wanted to feel the pain. More than that I wanted to control the pain. The aftermath of self mutilation is long bouts of depression with tons of feelings of shame and guilt. Everytime I have to hide a new burn or an open cut, I always feel ashamed and scared that someone knows what I have been doing. Getting up in the morning can be a hopeless feeling action. About a month ago a guy at work got branded. I approached him about it and he said that he had seen it on the internet. I took my new found information and went straight to the nearest computer. I went to the pile of dogs and did a search on branding. You would not believe some of the craziness I got back. Nothing on branding as in my context. It was all about the cows, brands names, and barbeque sauce. Damnit. So then I remembered the guy at work had mentioned something about scarification. Back to the search screen and my first return was my newest bookmark. BME. After seeing the beautiful designs people had burnt and cut into their skin, I thought to myself, THIS IS PERFECT! I cannot imagine why I never thought of this before, it is a way to focus my self destructive side in a positive way. I immediately went to work looking for someone to do this for me. I called tatoo and piercing studios all over this damn town with no luck. I got a lot of "I've never done it, but I am willing to try". Screw that. If they have never done it then I could do it just as well. Now I need materials. I soon found out that I could not find anyone who sells any tools specific to branding. Great what do I do now. Ah, I can through something together, I am a technical and mechanical person. No problem. My first goal has been to turn my horrible reminders into beautiful expressions. The first one I did was the cigarette burn scars on my left thigh. They were randomly placed so I had my work cut out for me. I jerry-rigged my bigass 70 Watt soldering iron with one of my old 8 gauge tongue rings with a big ball on it, a few smaller gauge barbell rods, and a couple of paper clips. I did a hand-sized tribal branding incorporating the the old scars using ball of the tongue ring. It looks like all those years of art in high school paid off. The days following sucked. It was hot and my leg hurt like a biznach. It was white and gooey looking for about a week. It still looks nasty now, all scabby and crusty, but I think it is gonna be great healed :-D. So now I want to do another one. Next one to fix. Well my past girlfriends were usually freaked by my burns on the old wanker (though they did enjoy the sensations in the sack). I have two oval shaped curling iron burns on top of my shaft. Since I did them when I was erect the scars are especially severe. They are about 2 inches apart while erect and nearly together when I am limp. So what to put on Mr. Happy? Do I do it erect? This is a toughy. Well I have always a fan of humor in the bedroom, so how about "ribbed for her pleasure".... and the old scars were created while erect.... lets begin. I had to revamp my branding iron with a 14 gauge barbell rod. I wrote ribbed for her pleasure and drew a couple of zig-zag lines above and below the words. I then drew some sun rays coming off of my previous scars. I did the lettering first, then I put the ball back on my branding iron for the zig-zags and the sun rays. With the ball it hurt like the dickens, but I think my next girlfriend will appreciate my humor (as well as my ribs). I had a hard time keeping my erection throughout the whole experience, therefore it took me about an hour to complete my task. As for the future, I have started a band and will continue to brand myself into purification. I feel better about myself than I have ever. Instead of guilt ridden markings I have to hide from my co-workers, I have something to be proud of. Eventually I think I might "rib" up my entire dong. :o)

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 08 June 2000
in Scarification

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