st experience with "so-called" self-mutilation began when I was the age of 13.I had been going through way too much with family among other things and decided to take away the pain with a trusted friend; cigarettes and a knife. I induced enormous,soothing pain that day which left me with 13 burns(or 4 single and 3 clusters). It gave me great emotional release for the time being and reminded me how cruel that pain can be without a method of release.
I accomplished this release again when I was 15 after being abused again and this time left 9 more scars on my arms. Both times, I'd get a quarter way(if that) through my smoke so it was nice and hot and I'd knock the cherry off onto my arm and inhale the sweet fumes until it went out on it's own then, I'd re-light my smoke and repeat the process. I don't care what people say, I found it an almost painless experience. I did it once in front of my friends cause they argued about that and dared me,well, I almost made the girls along with one of the guys almost faint. A lot of my friends or aquaintances get made whenever they find out about my scars and that they were self-inflicted, but I needed to do it instead of turning to wrist slashing (which I've also done twice but with no scars). On top of these,I also have 2 self-made tattoos, one of a rose on my inner left thigh and another on the ankle of that leg reading "LD" , my dead uncle's initials( he blew off his head a couple blocks away from where I was living at the time which was part of the reason for the second set of burns). I have yet to add another "L" for his middle name and am hoping to get a tattoo to cover some of the burns. I am 16 now, almost 17, and seem about 20 most people say cause I'm very mature but it seems they think I'm psychotic because of my habit for pain. I just hope all who think of branding or burning,etc., first relieze that people will look at you different and at the time it seems OK but after, you have to live with the anguish of being harassed,teased,not being able to get rid of them,maybe lossing friends,having people avoid you or like me, almost being put into a psychiatric ward for doing what years ago was OK. The healing of the burns was very good the first time and I put flammizine on it (from when my grandfather electricuted himself and burnt his hand to a crisp)and this is what I think helped with making the scars almost invisible on my left arm. You'd have to look close up to know they were even there for I have pale skin anyhow but on the underside and my left arm the burns didn't heal as well at all. They have kind of a light pinkish color to them. These are the one's I wish to cover. Probably with a celtic design on my forearm but for sure I'm getting a lion's head on the underside. I love cat's plus, I'm a leo so it suits me. I can't believe how cruel people can be these days though, my best friend who I dated for a couple days, won't again because he wants his women to be perfect.I see this through more then just him though, other guys have been like that towards me too just because of it and it definitly hurts the self-esteem which I never had much of to begin with. I'm not a bad looking girl and have had lots of looks and whistles but it's underneath the sleeves that disgusts them it seems.That's another problem, I won't wear short sleeves because of them either, unless I want to be harassed in this town and summer's coming really soon too which means I'm really gonna be cookin or staying in the shade quite a bit. My parents don't know about one of my tattoos(the rose) so it's gonna be interesting if we go to a lake cause they'll probably see it and then I'll get crapped on. Oh well,it's my body I figure. My dad has a tattoo so he can't complain if I do( even though he will anyhow). I remember when I started a tattoo on my brother's back last year, it was supposed to be the head of a dragon I drew but he chickened out when I wasn't even half done. I had warned him it would hurt but he was like "if you can do it,I can too" so I tried telling him the back has more nerves but nooo, he's gotta be a macho male who can handle a lot more pain than women.I even took small breaks in between to let the swelling go down. Oh well, he now has a half finished dragon's head on his back. He says he's gonna go get it professionally done when he has the money but I don't think he could handle that again, just by the way he reacted to when I was doing it and I was tryin to be careful and gentle.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 07 May 2000