s my ongoing experience of self scarification.... I started self scarification when I was about 16. I was depressed and bored. I decided to show my grief on my body. I started with small scratches and I hid the cuts under my watch band and the loads of silver bracelets on my arms. Soon I got very comfortable with the idea of cutting my self. I started to cut a little deeper and bigger, all over my body....arms, legs, and especially my wrists. In the beginning the cuts where my secret. But now I find the scares very beautiful especially when they have been healed for about 2 years. I was quizzed by my family and friends where I got the cuts I always seemed to talk my way out of it ( thanks to the cats and their ill temperment). I was never suicidal when I cut. I just recently (about 4 months ago) stopped cutting because of my vivid imagination and fantasies about suicide and due to the fact that a close friend commited to the end of this life..... But I pulled myself out of that downward spiral and put myself back on the right track and picked up the blade again. I feel it helps me express my social angst. I don't do anything fancy just simple vertical cuts in a consecutive manner.I use a simple razor blade a little dangerous espicially around the large veins. I have to pay a lot of attention to not end up sewing my arm/ leg back together. I once, while cutting for an x-boyfriend in the heat of passion cut a liitle too deep....he was way turned on and I was way worried about blood loss. It turned out to be one of my best cuts. It split and healed nicely. I have never had a nasty infection. I keep those areas I cut clean for the first few days of the healing process.
Why do I cut this
It makes me feel good and as I said before I think it is
Also another reason is because it's like a taught to societies
views of suicide and 'self mutilation'.It`s not
mutilation to me and I hope
not to you either. Society today thinks that people are crazy and well I am
not. To let people see my scares ( by wearing less clothing) is like a
contradiction to how they would see a person who cuts them self.
What do I like about it..... Me, my self....I like the pain, the blood, and well the scares the best. Metal in my skin....I guess that's why I like those socially accepted thingies we call piercings. The spit and the way my body heals it's self. Light colored skin soft. Scars I think show that usage of your body. Those little nicks on you nuckels from fights and the scar on you chin form a child hood injury involving a hill, ice, and a toboggan show the usage of your body. I don't want to be a porcelain doll that never rolls the dirt or never gets into messes and accidents. I want to change the way people see women. I have one tat and 7 (very mainstream) piercings. They don't do the same thing to me as my cuts do. Although I love them all I have to find something more different. Looking on the net is not the answer for me but it does help with ideas. I wnat some thing extrem but I don`t want to sew my vaginal lips together. I have seen other people with scares on their bodies too....I never have enough courage to ask about them. If some one even if, they were my friend asked I wouldn't want to explain either. It would just make me frustrated trying to explain why. People who ask me usually already think I am some nut that wants to kill her self but just can't do it. I thinks it's too much to be explained in verbal expression. That is why I am here writing about it. I am heavy into alterative substances. Not just pot. Everything but the coke and heroin but hey I possibly picked some of that suff up in a pink party pill once swallowed in my early ignorant days. But I have never cut under the influence AND I don't plan to. But I have heard of it. I think that is the mixing of to many controlling substances. It's a rush and I love it. At first I didn't see my scars as a art form but now as I learn more about the subject I realize that it is more then just my skin.....there is a whole world out there and I can't wait to explore it more.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 06 April 2000