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Cutting myself to calm myself

myself often--the physical pain is a means of releasing emotional pain. One particular day I cut myself on the arm 26 times with a razor blade..cutting myself is just so calming to me...when I see my own blood it distracts from my emotional pain and sometimes I carve words on my body to remind myself of how i feel about myself--"slut," "bitch" etc. I also carve acronyms such as FTW..symbols such as the anarchy symbol..and i often redo the "RIP KDC 6794" on my left shoulder in memory of Kurt Cobain. Doing this serves the dual purpose of giving me the pain I crave...even when I'm not upset I like the adrenaline..plus its sorta like a homemade tattoo...I've been doing all of these different cuts since age 13 when I first read about it. I wanted to see what it was like so I just carved a little line..it didnt hurt and it, over a year or so, became an essential crutch when I was upset, both the words and mostly the random scratches when i was in a totally incoherent rage or depression. Then it became my way of tattooing since I was too young to get a tattoo..now I'm just too cheap hehe... I've seen different friends go thru drug addictions and after just a few drug experiences I knew that didn't work..the highs would hinder my ability to do stuff, and it was just a vicious cycle. So at the age of 13 I came across an article where a girl who was depressed cut herself, and I thought it was like mad crazy but I figured I'd try it..I wanted to just see if it hurt and stuff. It was cool I guess....throughout high school I cut myself approximately 600 times..counting times when I re-cut healed wounds. Cutting myself is good because i can just put on a long sleeve shirt and no one has to know...its not like other things. It's not that I care what peopel think of me..its more that Im not too interested in going the psych ward route again thanks:-) I just got off the phone with a close friend, and he wanted to know why on eartH I cut myself instead of just screaming or hitting someone. Well, screaming isnt tangible enough I guess. Plus I don't want the neighbors to know:-) And my boyfriend gets enough miraines.. Anyway, screaming just doesn't release enough. Hitting someone produces a response I don't wanna have to deal with...I'm not interested in getting hit back. I'm not interested in fighting. I like to be alone. I like the "artistic" aspect of it. When I am depressed but not like mad suicidal(like when I and my boyfriend get in fights...my boyfriend means the world to me..)it's fun to produce some physical pain as a distraction but also make symbols. Drawing isn't something that absorbs my attention alone..I need pain to distract me. But I like to use my body as a canvas. Some days I just completely dissapoint myself. Those days I carve those self-demeaning words and phrases such as "Slut" and "Bitch" and "Whore". It serves as a reminder of what a screw-up I believe myself to be at the time. And finally, I like to see how deep I can carve sometimes..in part, because pain, solely for its adrenaline rush, is a very pleasurable experience for me, and also because its sort of an experiment to see just how much pain I can take. I like to prove to myself how much pain I can take. When I cut myself..if I am in a lot of emotional pain that day, I literally do not feel ANY physical pain at the time of cutting. However, those are the days my scars are the deepest and the pain after lasts the longest. I think its worth it though, because if I did not cut myself I'd probably end up committing suicide and I have many reasons why I can't do that. I do take proper precautions not to get an infection..sometimes. I mean, when I get in a fight and I have all these intense emotions flooding my bloodstream I am not going to sit there like "ok, now let me get out that peroxide and dab it onto the stupid razorblade"..instead its just like"oh my god ok where the f*** is the razorblade???". But if Im mildly depressed and am using my body as a canvas for my body art...then yes I'll use some peroxide to clean off the blade...yes I use the same one always...and sometimes I clean my cuts. Depends on how deep..sometimes I wait for signs of infection first. But anyways, the cutting myself for all the different reasons is a very pleasurable experience for me. ~Gabbi~

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 28 Jan. 2000
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: my+house
Location: maryland

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