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Never was an artist

many people want to know what kind of person would deliberately cut themself, I guess I will give you some background information about me. I can't remember when I first became interested in body mods. It just started so gradually, but I would have to say that my pain fasinations began when I was about 5. In kindergarten, I was always getting in trouble for pouring glue on my arms so I could peel it off. I did this because I loved the slight pain I got when the little hairs were pulled out. When I was 14, I went into a terrible state of depression. I attempted to kill myself numerous times. After various failed attempts, I tried to slit my wrists. Much like Sylvia Plath, I found that this sounded easier than it actually was. Instead of making the insicions on my defenseless wrists, I made them on my legs. I was rather fascinated with the results. My mom discovered them one night and freaked out, so I had to end my new found fun for a while. Growing up in a small town in the eighties and 90's, no one really did these things. If you did, you were considered the biggest freak since JoJo the Dog Faced Boy. Fast forward quite a few years. At 19 I got my first tattoo. It was a large one, and on my stomach (which by the way is one of the most painfull places for a tattoo). I had already given birth to a beautiful baby girl with no medication, so pain was never an issue for me. I now have 3 tattoos and 6 piercings that have taken well. Like most people, I cannot afford the tatts and piercings that I want. While sitting around one day, feeling very low, I decided that I might like to try carvings again. Since I have been out of my parents home for so long, I don't have to worry about what others may think if they see them. I tried simple designs; stars, lines, etc. I found that this really releaved my tension. It worked better than even my anti-depressents that I am on. I did worry about how my husband would react to them. He was actually quite intruiged by this. He enjoyed watching and helping to clean them. Soon, he started doing them for me. Since he has been assisting me, our relationship has grown stronger. I have numerous designs on my body. I have various symbols on my shoulder blades, penticles and stars on my legs, and a large pentagram on my lower back. Each new scar, piercing, and tattoo turns my body into something more beautifull. For someone who has never liked what they see in the mirror, I am taking charge of my apperance and my feelings toward me. I have finally found an outlet for all of my built of hostility and feelings of self hate. Like all modifications, these must be taken care of. My husband and I always use a fresh razor (makes the cutting much easier, and you only have to go over it once to get the maximum effect). We soak them in rubbing alcohol before we start. If you are going to make a stencile to follow, never use pen ink. The ink can give you ink poisoning. I always use an iodine pen if I want to draw the design first. After we are finished, and my husband has licked the area clean of blood, we always use peroxide to clean the area. The object is to get a nice scar, not an infection. I try not to use an antibiotic ointment on the cuts if I can avoid it. Like I said, you do not want an infection so don't be afraid of the neosporin if it starts looking bad. You can always go over the area again if you need to. I have enjoyed every tattoo, piercing, and scar I have recieved. I just worry that some day these might not be enough. I guess I will try suspension when this happens. So, you wonder why someone would want to do this to their body? I will tell you, it keeps me from hurting myself even more. I can control this. It is something tangible, a way to take charge of my life and my expierences. It is also my way of expressing myself artistically. I am the only one in my family who cannot produce beautiful works of art on a canvas. Well, I finally found my canvas, and it is made of flesh. My paint is my blood. If you have and questions, feel free to email me. I would also like info on suspension if anyone out there has tried it. Thanks for reading my experience. I hope that maybe I have reached someone out there who has, or is going, through what I went through. Always remember, it will eventually end. In the meantime, find creative ways to releave your frustrations.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 20 Jan. 2000
in Scarification

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Artist: self+and+husband
Studio: our+home
Location: ga

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