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a bit of my mind

Just recently, I made the choice to have the word smile tattooed on me. That's the start of this story, although it really isn't.

At first I was considering having it on my forearm, in big old English letters, but the day before it was inked in, (thank god) I chose to have it done on my inner bicep in my own writing. That day I also had the small gun on the inside of my index touched up, as it was just a few smudges of black ink somewhat resembling the shape of a gun. I know that tattoo is in a bad place, but for my the state of mind I was in when I decided to have it done, I needed it there.

Ok, so let me just stop here for a second to give you all a quick outline of my tattoos and piercings.

I have a total of 7 piercings, lobes at 00 (over the years I have had them up to 9/16 but we are all happier at 00), 14g tongue, 10g septum, 16g medusa, 16g smiley and 14g lip. I have also had others that are now retired for special reasons, 18g nostril, 16g frowney, 14g medusa(first time around) 16g nipple(yes it was too small and was rejecting) and 14g navel.

My tattoos started a few months after I turned 18, with a star outline on my right wrist. Then a few months later one to match on my left. Then a heart on my left breast with the phrase "live or die" right above. Soon after that I had "left" and "right" done on each corresponding wrist, a moustache on my left index and a gun on the inside of that same index. From there I had some old school roses done right next to my collarbones, one on each shoulder, a "?" to my left hand and a "!" to my right. Just two days ago, I had my knuckles tattooed with the word "hopeless" and added a "ta" to each of my thumbs (my nick name is ta-ta).

I also have some self done scars from small scale cutting and branding, and I plan to someday have some larger scale scarring whether it be by branding or cutting, I have yet to decide.

That was almost quick.

Only one of my tattoos have deep meaning to it, and its my first. I did it to remind me that I am a beautiful, happy, independent woman, and that I need no man to keep me that way. Im not one of those who believe in the whole "its forever so it needs to be meaningful" crap. I get tattoos because I like the way they look on me, each tattoo is somewhat unique, not perfect, and suits me 100%.

Im still at the point of my life where I have no clue what I want to do with it, so I have a simple minimum wage job, with the benefit of not having to cover up what I think are the things that make me beautiful. I have ambitions, to be a special care nurse, to become a master chef, to be a published writer, to get married to the man I love (even thou I don't know who he is yet), have children, and to change the world. I don't have a master plan for that last one there, but I will achieve it. I want to be able to help people accept modded people be treated equally. And, although im not as heavily modded as some, pauly unstoppable for example, I still see the negative effects a few "normal" piercings and some public tattoos can produce.

My family members and friends who don't understand how beautiful I see myself question my modifications, and remind me about how I should ever want, as they put it, "a real job" I wont get it because of the way I look. Should I ever, in 5 or 10 years, regret my tattoo choices it will be expensive and painful to have them removed. My mother even said not too long ago that when I do have babies they are going to be scared of me because of the way I choose to look. In all fairness to her, she was joking, and I know it isn't possible for that to happen, but isn't it true that 50% of what people say when they are joking the truth?

I want to shout back, "this is me and im happy with myself so stfu" or something equally loud and in their faces, but with most situations, im not aggravated enough to do more then shrug it off . I am definitely the black sheep of my family, and we all know it. I like it that way, I think. They see happiness in success and money, and I see it in fun and love.

It scares me, sometimes, to think about every parent pushing their child for an education and a great career. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going that route in your life, but its just not for me. A short while after starting my first job, I was 15 and it was my time to be pushed by my parents towards bigger and better things. It worried me to know that most people would be getting big jobs and passing on the smaller, important jobs like cleaning the public bathroom in the mall, or making pizza.

In retrospect, I know we are probably not doomed to be pizzaless, or to pee in unsanitary conditions in between bites, but I still do worry.

Maybe I am one of those people who work the crappy jobs, with the small pay, that keep things working in our world. Maybe I always will be. But im happy with it, and nobody sees that. How can I be happy with my life if no one can understand it? Maybe that's why im writing this. With the hopes that one day, someone I care about will stumble across it and finally understand me, and my life choices. Someone I don't know will read this and be inspired. Someone who is not happy or is stuck in a rut will read this and be right again.

Who knows.

I guess the point of this is to let the world know that I am happy. I look different that most, I act different that most and I have different goals. Wouldn't that make me normal? We accept people of different race, of different religious backgrounds. We accept obesity, which is pretty much the afflicted's choice, so why cant society accept people who choose to have blue hair and visible modifications?

All I know for sure, is that when I do have children, im going to teach them to be open minded and to accept diversity, so I will do my little part to change the world.


submitted by: tassh
on: 04 March 2008
in Culture

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