"ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU DIDN'T KNOW TO ASK"
My name is TIFFANY. I'm 37 years old, and married with kids.
I've been on IAM since 2002, previously as "Shaman."
or Email Me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
3/14/2003 | 0 comments
Last night, I went home and took a candle lit shower. I continued thinking about wanting to go "home." I started to wonder - what if this feeling is nothing more than some rogue chemicals in my brain? Is that not what most emotions are? Chemicals in the brain, and our reaction to those chemicals?
I pictured myself at the end of my life, on my deathbed. In those final moments, I wondered to myself, what if I was just me all along? What if there is no "home" to return to? What if I spent my whole life looking for something that doesn't exist? What if this "feeling" is nothing more than rogue chemicals and an over-active imagination?
Lying in bed as a child, I used to think there were monsters that roamed around my room while I slept. They were clever monsters; they would disappear if I opened my eyes. But if I closed my eyes or hid under the covers, they appeared. But even though I feared the monsters, a part of me knew they weren't real. Part of me knew that no harm would come. Part of me liked the feeling of being afraid. The monster situation became a nightly game.
I think we know when something feels real, and when something is only being entertained by our minds. In the case of the monsters, I was entertaining the fantasy on purpose. But in the case of "home," it doesn't feel like fantasy. There is nothing pretend about it. It seems as real to me as the true memories I have of my past.
So I guess I keep looking. I am not going to put any intense focus on this search. But then again, I'm not going to stop looking either.
3/13/2003 | 3 comments
So here's the premise. I keep having these dreams and feelings like I don't belong here (this time, this place, this planet - unknown). Here's a little update...
I talked to a therapist about the "I want to go home dreams." Her suggestion was, perhaps I want to return to the way I felt as a child when I lived at home with my parents. Um, no. I'm actually way happier as an independent adult.
I talked to a random Christian minister (someone I didn't know, especially since I've never gone to church, but someone I knew would listen). He asked, do you think you're going to die? Perhaps return home to be with the Father? Um, no. Although I have no problem with (other people who aren't me, enjoying) organized religion, the concept of "returning home to be with the father" wouldn't have crossed my mind. And no, I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon.
Someone suggested aliens - other worldly or from another dimension. Of the three suggestions I've heard, this seems the least wacky but I still really don't think so.
Does anyone have any other suggestions? I'm willing to entertain anything at this point. And if the UFO comes and takes me home, I'll make sure make a post before I leave for home...
3/12/2003 | 0 comments
I am stretching my lobes again. They are at 4g. I have 2g and 0g glass plugs, all lined out. And I have tapers to 000g. I have all the stuff from last time I stretched. Only, I'm having a problem. The 2g taper is smaller than the 2g plug (glass is in mm instead of gauges usually). The taper goes in, no problem. The 2g plug won't go in. The 0g taper almost goes in (and by *almost* I mean after hours of slow pressure, warm soaks or shower, and lube). I'm going to try again tonight. But here's my question... What the hell did I do last time?!
3/12/2003 | 0 comments
Oh man, I just wish my brain would stop thinking long enough for me to get some rest. I haven't been sleeping well, and it's really starting to irritate me. Last night, I had a weird dream about a hotel in the middle of the desert on the way to Reno (NV). Here in Los Angeles, I'm about 8-9 hours from Reno. But the weird part was, I wasn't leaving from Los Angeles. I think I was leaving from Utah. So I arrive at this hotel in the middle of the desert, and the whole time I'm worried about "are we going to get caught before we get there." I went down to the bar inside the hotel, and I met up with this Texan man named "Shirley." Yeah, a dude named Shirley. His full name was Shirley U. Gest. Anyways, I ask this Texan what he's doing in Nevada, and he says, "trying to get to Reno, just like you." Then the scenery in the bar started to...fade and warp. It flickered between the modern hotel that I saw, and a ghost-town-like bar. The color drained, and everything was gray. As it flickered into gray-scale, the Texan said, "no sweetie, that's not the past, that's the future." The place was demolished, dirty, falling apart. Very ghost-town.
3/11/2003 | 6 comments
I keep screaming this in my dreams... "I want to go home." I don't know what it means. I haven't lived with my parents in 6 years. I see them regularly. The statement doesn't feel symbolic, it seems literal. Sometimes I feel like a guest here on planet Earth. I look around at people and places, and feel like they are unlike anything I've ever seen. Sometimes I get this panicky feeling like, what the hell am I doing here? "I want to go home." I feel like I should stop, and wait for the director to say "cut!" so we can stop this nonsense. At night, I shower by candle-light. I sit in the floor of the shower, and let the water trickle over my head. It's usually during a moment like this that I can hear whispers of home. And where ever home is, I want to be there.