I'm done feeling sorry for myself and my situation....really things could be much worse and i know that now. My friend Rohda died a few days ago. I know she's in a better place but the world was better with her in it.

sitting on my porch and enjoying the weather right now...

it's quiet here, my sister is at a bar, i am just waiting for her to come home. sad that this is what my life has come to.

a few years back she blacked out while driving someone elses car...she was in a ditch, the car barely running and cops had to bust into it to get her out...that time they drove her home, impounded the vehicle and didn't charge her. that was the first time i thought she would take a good long look at where she was headed. she didn't, after that she thought she was untouchable. a year or so later she blacked out behind the wheel of her own car and hit two others. the drivers were okay but both their cars were totaled. she spent the night in jail. ended up with a slap on the wrist and only 6 months of probation.

all this shit is going through my head right now and all i want to do is shut down.

there isn't anyone around me i can really talk to about this without it getting back to her or the rest of the family who is already stressed out over her actions, so this is where i vent.

i too had some problems with drugs/alcohol and still find myself wanting to say fuck it and resort to my old ways but i have come to far and worked way to hard to give it all up. watching my sister go through the same things i went through at such a younger age is painful. i was lucky to get the help i needed in my early 20's and have been rebuilding my life ever since. almost 10 years now for me trying to better my life and 10 years for her destroying hers. my mom and i talk a little about her but not to this extent...her last words to me in our last conversation a week ago were, "your going to keep her safe, right?"

what the hell does that mean? i do everything i can for her, work 2 jobs to pay the bills, clean her up when shes too drunk to do it herself including showers and helping her to the bathroom..........i can only do so much and a this point she is refusing any other help. which is why i am so angry and rambling right now. i feel like i am being taken advantage of and that all my hard work to provide for her is only giving her more reason to not want to provide for herself.

and i just want to add that a spider landed on my nose while i was typing this...cute little guy.

So things here are pretty much the same......and I don't see them getting any better anytime soon, it's a good thing I'm a patient person. Anyway, I worked a 15hr day and am really too tired to write anything else.

Had a rough day at work yesterday...home depots V.P. and his people were in for a visit which made all of management act like jerks. Then right before my shift ended a mulch truck came in......not a flat bed truck but a box truck, 53' long and full. None of our pallet jacks fit the mulch pallets so i had to use 60' long tow chain to pull each one to the edge of the truck.....pain in my ass. So my 5am, 8 hour shift, turned into a 10 hour day, and they wanted me to stay longer...why is it when I get the second job because they decided to cut my hours now all they want is to give me overtime? Not that I'm complaining.....I just don't understand why they won't give me "full time" status when its clear they need me there full time.

Just a short update...both jobs are good, sister is okay, still drinking a lot but it's less than before...and I'm itching to get tattoo'd.