Diary

Dread
12/6/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I don't know what's with me ATM. I booked a trip to Calais tomorrow to perk myself up a bit. I like getting out of the UK around winter time. I know it's only Calais but I like the architecture and I think it looks pretty in the cold evenings. I thought it would help me relax before my end of term exam, and be a little celebration of my success so far on my course.

I feel afraid. Like, not just something bad will happen to me afraid. I am afraid something will change and I'll have another year of not knowing who/what/where I am. This fear seems to have sprung up from nowhere. I am so confused. The only thing that's even remotely making sense in my head right now is that my resolution for last year was to travel to the Low Countries, my memories of the two trips I took are bitter-sweet.

Ethics
12/5/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

My ethics presentation is over. I'm certain I've passed. I'm disappointed with my performance but my teammate was happy with the overall presentation and I'd consider myself an awful friend if I rained on her parade. We did good. I knew it would be an assignment I'd struggle with. And, TBH, I'm too tired to dwell on it. I'm comfortable that my argument was strong, even if I didn't vocalise it well (or at all, in some instances).

I went to the dentist today. I need a root canal and I have gum disease. I figured as much. I guess I just wanted to avoid facing up to it. The root canal would be £400. I knew it would be expensive but I wasn't prepared for that. I think I might just get it extracted. Though, my dentist seems to think he can fill it because it's not giving me that much grief.

This evening a went to a late lecture and then wandered around my old stomping ground. I waited outside my old flat block for half an hour. I don't even know why.

Vocal
12/3/2013 | 2 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I've been practicing for my presentation tomorrow. I feel confident I know my subject. In my head I speak so well but when I speak out loud the words are all wrong; hesitation and mispronunciation. Then it takes me ages to recover. Yeah, I get it's no big deal but it's time consuming and I got a bunch of other things I should be doing instead of talking into a mirror or lecturing my stuffed toys.

I've been rereading The Book of Laughter and Forgetting (Magical realism is my favourite genre). Lost Letters resonated with me:

She tried to remember all the names he had bestowed on her. Only during their first two weeks had he called her by her real name. His tenderness was a nonstop nickname machine. As the names quickly wore out, he incessantly gave her new ones. In their twelve years together, she had some twenty or thirty, each one belonging to a specific period of their life.

I saw one of my old nicknames on a greeting card yesterday. Intrigued, I read the verse. It was a poem to a dead baby.

 

Resolution
11/28/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

It's that time of year where people start talking about resolutions. Even the people who don't make resolutions are talking about how dumb/pointless resolutions are. Geez. Just let people make their resolutions; it's fun and (sometimes) productive. I hate the if you want to change your life you'd do it today mentality. It's really insulting to people who lack willpower for whatever reason. Plus it makes you sound like a douche. Support people who are struggling to overcome an obstacle, don't criticise them for their choice of day on which they have decided to start working towards this goal.

I read my whole journal today. It's sad, but strangely comforting. I've spent most of my life trying to forget my past. Now I have a decade of memories I am trying to hold on to with all my might, I'm glad I decided to write down my feelings. They're here. I can lose myself in them if I want.

I have lost count of how many outstanding assignments I have at the moment. I happen to be ahead of most people I've spoken to and I'm on schedule (my self-made schedule, that is). I'm revising for an exam in a couple of weeks. Exams never tended to phase me but I've noticed my memory isn't as good as it was in my teenage years. So, maybe I should give my revision a bit more focus than I had originally planned.

I went to a lecture called Afterwards: Legacies of War yesterday evening.

I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts jumped constantly from Wow I'm here to Am I good enough to be here? to Am I sure I want to be here? I cannot see my achievements without asking myself if I deserve them.

I better get back to work. I have a presentation to prepare.

Presentation
11/23/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I've been given a presentation assignment that is due in two weeks. I knew it had been coming since the start of this month but I couldn't get started on it until this week because my lecturer hadn't given my class the briefing (you're noticing a trend here, right?) I have to give a presentation on an ethical issue with a classmate. I can choose the issue and the classmate. I suggested to my classmate that we spend this week researching various issues and then come together on Monday to discuss our findings.

I've been looking at experience machines and survival lottery. I emailed my lecturer to clarify whether I can give the presentation on these issues because I'm not sure how relevant they will be. I don't mind short deadlines but they're difficult when we study part-time and the lecturers work part-time.

I finally sent off my UCAS form today. After all the BS I finally got my personal statement feedback last week. I got another pass with merits. Meh. I'm not enjoying the structure of my course. I don't feel challenged or inspired. I'm also a little frustrated at the misinformation I have been given. I don't want to be that annoying student who contradicts what they are told.

I'm stressing a little about my UCAS application. I am 95% happy with it. And, you know, I did awesome in my university interview? But I know my tutor is going to ask me to change or add something. In her last piece of feedback she suggested I add more course choices in case I don't get my first. Bear in mind, my university application reflects my wants. Can you see the problem here? I will apply through clearing if I don't get my first choice. If I don't like my options I'll get some union training and reapply next year.

Another suggestion she made is to write about what I have gained from doing my college course. I don't want to lie on my application form. Is there a diplomatic way of saying my college course just reminds me of everything I dislike about the education system? The cookie-cutter mentality, the lack of student-led learning, time constraints..?

This is such a hard position to be in. I really like my tutor and she kept me calm during a pretty awful month of my life. I'm thankful that she gave me an opportunity to do this course even though I missed the first few weeks due to work commitments and illness. As a teacher she is spectacular but the tutorials are seriously lacking.

I'm just hoping she'll let me do my thing and have faith I'll get the outcome I want.

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