"♑ ☂ ☆ ☈ ♄"
8/20/2013 | 1 comments | offline
The entries I wrote in Dorset are embarrassing when I look at them now. Geez, I should STFU. But for some reason you like to read them. I'm grateful. I've read other users say they feel like IAM is the only place they can vent and/or talk about things they don't feel able to talk about elsewhere. That's one of the great things about IAM. There's definitely a solidarity here that I haven't seen in other online communities. I think it will continue, I know people regularly comment negatively on the size of the community but I think the feelings will stay the same.
I'm back in Sussex. Hooray. I was chatting to my husband on the phone last night and I mentioned looking at Gumtree for seasonal jobs. I immediately saw one that combines all my interests. Oh geez, I'd love it so much. I did a funny dance when I read the job description.
The calmness has returned. I feel pretty OK. I've been using my Hottie massage bar from Lush and listening to Fever Ray. It's going to take me a few more days until I start feeling normal again, but I'm sure I'll get there. A lot happened in such a short space of time. No wonder I feel dizzy.
I wish the money situation was better. I so want these on my thighs. There is a danger of turning into an owl lady, but damn they're cute.
I think I'll have a pretty good TILT this week. There's a lot to get excited about.
8/17/2013 | 1 comments | offline
I withdrew my job application an hour before I was due to phone back for the interview results. I didn't want to know the final decision because I'd be gutted if I was rejected or I may regret turning down a position.
People have been telling me I need some time alone to think things through. I guess this is true but I have no peace and quiet with my family.
Visiting my family makes me feel like a teenager again. This is the time of the year where newspapers write about college and university admissions. I read an article on the newspaper on the train about middle-class bias. It stuck in my head because there was a quote about young people feeling inspired and excited about education but when they go home their families say that's not for the likes of us. That was exactly what I was told after I got a couple of surprise B's in my mock exams. People could never quite believe me when I said those were the exact words said to me when I told my parents my tutor thinks I should look at university courses.
It was the moment that sticks out most in my mind when I think of my parents. It also had an impact on the rest of my life. I get afraid to do things if other people think I can't do it. Then I think they are right about me being unable to achieve things. I have real resentment over that day in my life.
I remember my parents standing together, united, for the first and last time. I remember the smile falling off my face. I remember hearing how expensive it was to keep me here and how I should be looking for a job to help them out. It's easy to misremember a scene when you feel wronged. I definitely saw a look of self-righteousness as I made a resolution to give up.
Most of my family think I shouldn't have withdrawn my job application. I am constantly being told what I need and how being here is good for me. I really feel like I'm going to flip my lid.
Then the weekend sucked more.
8/14/2013 | 1 comments | offline
My app is actually useful today. It can even keep up with my mobile broadband. I cannot get on the internet much due to bad reception and my family in Dorset not owning a phone. The only connection to the outside world is in cafes. That's when I can be bothered to create accounts. Geez, I fill in so many forms nowadays.
I'll phone up the local college tomorrow morning to find out if I have the job. The few days I have spent down here have been difficult. Family illnesses and missing my friends have took their toll on me. Constant headaches caused by chain-smoking relatives and their general negative attitude. It's hard. Really hard.
My interview went OK. I couldn't concentrate because I had spent the day before listening to people complain about their life for six hours. Plus, thinking about family illness made me a little teary. But I had knowledge of software and procedures.
Two of the staff I spoke to said I'd probably get bored. I also overheard a member of staff telling the receptionist the department is rubbish. Great.
My husband is visiting tomorrow. It'll be great to have a like-minded person to have great conversation with. All my family talk about are things/people they hate. I can only imagine it's what a Daily Mail podcast sounds like. I try to be understanding and non-judgemental because my family are my history. But I give up trying to make them question their beliefs. God, I'm so lonely.
8/11/2013 | 1 comments | offline
8/7/2013 | 3 comments | offline
I decided to take today off from applying for jobs (but then I did see one I liked this afternoon and couldn't help myself). But the rest of the day was application free. Geez, I know I have a lot of free time but it doesn't feel very free when I'm obsessing over jobs.
I've just been listening to Boys & Girls and watching people pass by.
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