Diary

Prompt
6/3/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

What's your name? Black Smoke
What do you like to do for fun? Skinny Love
What are you afraid of? Walkabout
What kinda people are you attracted to? If You See The Light
Whats your style? Limbs
What do you think about? Vessel
What's your goal in life? Elephant Gun
What do you dream about? Bloodbuzz Ohio
What kinda food do you like? Knotty Pine
Where do you live? Modern Drift
What do you do when you wake up in the morning? Nothing Ever Happened
What do you do on vacation? Noone does it
What is your job? Rainwater Cassette Exchange
If Obama called you on the phone what would you talk about? I Just Want To See Your Face
If you were the president of the United States? Genesis 3:23
What's your motto? Sunlight

So, hey, how are things?

I have spent, pretty much, the past six weeks sitting on my friend's couch. Day-to-day stuff is hard. I feel like a bum. I am a bum.

This weekend I thought hard about my future. I'm not sure what prompted it. Maybe because I went to Pavilion Gardens and watched a steel drum band. It was the first time in ages that I was in the moment. I think the realisation that I let myself go and had fun made me feel guilty. People tell me that I shouldn't punish myself for hurting someone else. But, I do. I don't feel like I'm entitled to be happy.

I thought about the previous decade with my husband. We experienced so many changes. Changes always triggered my depression. My response was always I'll just deal with it. I don't think I ever dealt with it. I went to CBT but I felt my therapist was just getting me to write schedules and organise my day. The root of the problems were never addressed. Whenever they came up, they were considered irrelevant.

When I made the decision to strike out on my own it was a tremendous change. But, I felt like I was the one in control. Nothing went to plan but it was my decision and that felt empowering. People ask me what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know. I had ideas, they didn't work out but now I'm going to make more ideas. I just know I want to be the one in control.

Before this year, I was never in control of the changes. I never realised how much this upset me at the time. I just thought I was being silly because I got upset that we didn't move into a quirky flat I liked. Or I was being unrealistic about wanting to live abroad. Or I was living in a fantasy because I wanted to return to college.

In truth, I got carried away with my dreams. I know they aren't practical and probably doomed to fail. You know, I'm not expecting a miracle? I want an adventure that I want.

Now I feel so close to getting what I want. For five years I've wanted to work in HE. I just could never get a break.

I didn't want my life to be the mess it now is. I just wanted to be me.

Princess
6/2/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection


What's Your Sexual M.O.? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Empire Records Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

I'm having a bit of a nineties revival ATM. Ever since my private and personal life started going off-course I've been reliving my teenage years.

I got an awesome septum retainer from punktured yesterday. For seven years I have been wearing a BCR stretched with a pair of pliers. I wanted to get a retainer which had a rounded rectangle shape. I finally found one!

I hope you're having a great weekend IAM! I'm about to watch WWE on TV. It's like soap opera, but more like soap operrrrrrrrrrrrar.

Brakelights
5/31/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: music




An hour to get ready for my job interview. I'm really not coping with the nerves right now. Bleurgh.

Baci
5/30/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: Books food

Check out my leftover Baci! I'm such a chocolate fiend. I adore the colours on the box. Plus, the little quotes are cute. I like messages in unexpected places.

One of my favourite things to do is visit secondhand bookshops and it's always a nice surprise when I find a note/postcard/letter inside being used as a bookmark. I saw one earlier this week in Books For Amnesty, where Tim had made a bookmark and typed a message on it Dear Jenn, Please read this. I think it is beautiful... in Things Fall Apart. I'd been wanting to get that book for years but now I've made a little resolution not to buy any books until I've finished reading the ones I own.

My book collection has tripled since I moved to Brighton. The secondhand shops here are amazing. I've always loved secondhand shops but I guess the shops here are better because there are so many more interesting people to start with. When I first moved here I remember saying Brighton seems like a transitional town. I don't know many people who have lived here for long or plan to stay here for long.

Anyway, I'm preparing for my interview tomorrow. I'm so excited. I went to a cafe earlier and my union rep just happened to be in there. Chatting to him made me feel very positive (I'd just come from a counseling appointment which left me feeling raw). I don't tell many people the full details of what I'm going through, so sometimes I feel very unsupported, but people do believe in me. That's something I need to take with me going forward.

BaciBaci Quote

Soundtrack
5/29/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: music

1. Open up your music library and put it on shuffle
2. Press play
3. For every question, type the song that's playing
4. When you go to a new question, press the Next button and skip to the next song


Opening Credits: Blues Are Still Blue
Waking Up: What Became Of The Likely Lads?
First Day of School: 40 Day Dream
Falling in Love: Morning After Midnight
Fight Song: Have You Seen In Your Dreams?
Breaking Up: Stay Positive
Prom: The Arm
Life: Jungle Drum
Mental Breakdown: Hold On
Driving: Truth
Flashback: Zeus
Getting Back Together: You Only Live Once
Wedding: 11th Dimension
Birth of Child: If Time Was For Wasting
Final Battle: Back Of Your Neck
Death Scene: Lips
Funeral Song: Foam Hands
End Credits: Wake Up

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