"♑ ☂ ☆ ☈ ♄"
1/9/2014 | 0 comments | offline
1/7/2014 | 3 comments | offline
My mouth has just about regained feeling. I hear anesthetic is supposed to be tasteless but I always get a kinda irony sour sensation in my mouth. My teeth have been feeling much better since my December visits so everyone was hoping I wouldn't need a root canal. Sadly, after an thorough examination it looks like I will.
Because my dentist had started drilling he found exposed nerves and he had to dress them until I can get the money together for a root canal. The dressing will wear away in a couple of months so I made my appointment for six weeks. Now I've just started hoping I'll get a job offer before then.
Geez. I am so afraid of my next visit. I have not felt this amount of dread in a while. I sweat and shook all the way through the examination despite my dentist being the gentlest dentist I've ever met.
My proposal for my independent project is due tomorrow. Naturally I had a flash of inspiration in the early hours of this morning and decided to change topic area. I have to give a presentation on my ideas and then my tutor will decide whether to approve my project or not (you'd think the approval would happen before the research, right?) I'm not really sure why this assignment is set up in such a jumbled way.
1/6/2014 | 0 comments | offline
I was suddenly reminded of BAB as I browsed through IAM: Radical. I had planned to go last year but, you know, stuff happened. I thought about moving to Bristol a lot last year. I even put out some job applications. Occasionally I think about it again. One of the reasons I decided against it (other than the not getting any job offers thing) was that if I moved to Bristol hoping it would be a fresh start, I'd bound to be disappointed. Although I know a new location can prompt change in your life, it doesn't always provide the safehaven you so desire.
I'm going to head to BAB this year. Even if I end up walking through an unbearable memory lane.
I have another dentist appointment tomorrow. I'm nervous.
1/3/2014 | 1 comments | offline
12/31/2013 | 2 comments | offline
I'm here. I don't know how I managed it. I won't recap my year, I can't really remember it without thinking I was a bad person who deserves to suffer. I didn't think I'd see 2014. I hoped I'd evapourate or time would stop. Because no matter how difficult times were I felt moving on from them would be even more painful. Goodbyes are agony.
Exactly ten years ago I spent my first NYE with my husband. I have nothing but warm, loving memories of that time. My only regret is that I didn't make the most of our time together; the dark cloud of my younger years was always hovering overhead. It still is. But I wish it didn't.
I started to build up my confidence earlier this decade. But this year undid all my hard work. I felt as though each failure was punishing me, rightly so. I see now that it is a disservice to myself and those who loved me to let whatever strength I had go to waste. I stopped caring about me and took pleasure from thoughts about hurting myself. It felt great that nobody knew this. My isolation allowed me to torture myself just a little bit more, enough to feel like I meant nothing to this world.
Although this sounds pretty frightening, I felt relief.
But next year I have been offered a place in university. My head feels like fifteen years have disappeared and I'm back in my parents house, except this time I'm not letting them push me around. I'm standing up and saying I'm outta here. I break their toxic grip and live my life exactly how I want to.
I can't turn back time. But I feel like I have done, and I feel like my degree will give me opportunities to stop another teenager girl from letting others break her spirit.
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June 13 @ 10 AM