8/4/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I finally finished my museum application. It took ages. I wrote an essay for every part of the person specification. Do I think it will be shortlisted? Hmm. I really don't know. I'd like to think it would be, just because I put a lot of heart into it. I think it will stick out from the rest, that's for sure. When I applied I didn't think I realistically stood a chance so I decided just to write openly and honestly. If I was more confident I would've used a safe vanilla format. I'm interested to see how the wildcard plays out.

I wish I could find out about a job soon. I want to redo my science GCSE. Some colleges do a this course is free if you don't already has a GCSE Science pass at grade C or above thing. But it depends on whether the course is Government funded and all that. I contacted the college near where I grew up and they said they didn't offer this. I thought all places did. But then, the lady offered me a 24+ loan and I told her I had been informed that 24+ loans were only for Level 3 courses. She sounded surprised. I don't want to challenge her but I want a second opinion on that.

But I have found somewhere where I can do the course for free. I'm not sure what to do with a Science GCSE but it'll be fun to learn in a college again (I find online courses hard, I need people around me to bounce ideas off). I was disinterested as a teenager in school. I scraped a Level 2 qualification with no studying at all. I'd like to see what I'm capable of if I try.

The past couple of weeks have been distressing. I feel like I made some bad decisions, but I'm sure I made the best choice for myself. It's difficult not being able to see a person I spent a decade of my life with. I want to see them and I miss them. The longer I spend without them the more I realise how much they changed my life. I have been having strong flashbacks. I normally have a bad memory but I've been remembering times, so vivid I can almost feel them.

I know there's the saying my life flashed before my eyes. I could always believe that because my memories are so faint that I can recall a lot of them in a short period of time. Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of a conversation I had in a car driving along Holes Bay Road. I remember the smiles, the voices, the sound of my feet stamping against the footwell with excitement, the breeze coming through the window, the smell of the harbour and the air freshener... I want to be back there.

For ages I felt like the one who was dragging behind. I still think I am. But I know I've come a long long way. Fifteen years ago I was waiting for my GCSE results, I knew nothing. Yeah, my teachers drummed enough into me that I remembered the few facts I needed to know to get a pass. I didn't even realise it was fifteen years until this afternoon. I remember how utterly awful my homelife was as a young person. I remember feeling defeated even before I began to live. I remember not revising for my exams because I didn't think I'd ever leave my hometown. At sixteen I was convinced I'd never have a boyfriend and I'd work in a shop until I'd saved enough to buy a studio flat.

I had actually resigned myself to a life of discontent. I didn't question it. I'm so thankful I met someone who showed me happiness. If just for a short time.

8/3/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: photography

Playing with my Momiji

8/2/2013 | 4 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I had a pretty good job interview today. The people were really impressed with my CV. I'm glad I took the time to rewrite it. It felt really good to hear someone say they thought I was talented. In fact, it nearly made me cry after feeling so worthless for a year.

Walking home after the interview made me feel incredibly lonely. I appreciated the praise from the interviewers but I wanted to share my joy with somebody. I wish I could harness all that positivity and use it to propel me into my dream career. I'm not complaining. Well, I am a little. It's baffling how I repel things I want and attract things I'm indifferent to.

I'll be invited back for a second interview next week.

I'll see how it goes. I think I have a good chance but I'd been mentally preparing myself to leave Brighton before this week. Hell I don't know anything. All my plans fall through. I'll just see how it goes.

7/31/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: music

I've been listening to EBM this week, particularly the artists I used to like back in the day (playlist, if you're interested). I stumbled upon a bunch of videos from Gothic Meets Klassik Festival. The songs still seem so powerful to me.

I tried to stop myself listening to EBM, mainly because they just remind me of a time that hurts to think about, but I couldn't tear myself away. I can shut my eyes and every memory comes flooding back. I want to hold on.


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