Diary

Gone
11/10/2013 | 2 comments | offline
Tags: Video

I find Marina's dance really uplifting.

Merit
11/6/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I'm such a sucky online friend, I know. I'm such a sucky friend IRL too. I just don't keep in touch with people as much as I should.

In my defense this month is giving me a beating. November has always been exciting for me. I love this time of year. But, meh, I have to deal with things I'd rather spend the rest of my life hiding from. Oh.

The only thing cheering me up is that I'm doing well in my course. This feels wonderful considering my anxiety has taken away my ability to speak up in lessons. I also got passes with merits on my assignments. I was pretty sure I'd fail because my word count was 33% less than requested. Plus, I was writing essays/reports without any help during the planning stages. Wow.

I know I need to read more. I'm not sure why I stopped reading so much. Numerous people tell me I should start reading journals and articles everyday to prepare myself for the amount of work I'll be doing in university. My concentration is so bad, but I feel motivated by my good results.

I have new shoes.

Success
10/31/2013 | 2 comments | offline
Tags: TILT

TILT time again

♥ My interview went well. I'm not sure whether I've been officially offered a place because the words the interviewer used were I will definitely be recommending you. I feel pretty excited.

♥ I voiced my concerns to my college tutor, she gave me some great advice and support.

♥ I'm visiting Calais in a month.

Halfterm
10/24/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: TILT

I decided to do a TILT to distract me from the chaos. This week has had some major highs and severe lows. I asked for some help dealing with it, admittedly a little bit later than I should've asked, but I'm getting it now.

♥ Interviewing with the Humanities department next week.

Pumpkin stew

Give 'Em The Boot

Certain
10/17/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

By a twist of fate it looks like I'll be applying to do a degree in the department where my husband studied. I may have mentioned this. I can't remember.

I had a university taster day on Wednesday and it went well. I forced my nervousness aside and spoke up in the seminars. I actually developed a headache half way through from all the adrenaline. I still don't cope well when I debate with people who disagree with me. I feel anxious when I see them watching me as I talk, knowing they don't like what they hear. For a day afterwards I was thinking back and kicking myself for not explaining my ideas more clearly.

It felt good at the end of the day. A handful of lecturers and students said they'd like to see me again. It's strange to think that the only reason I had such good feedback was because I talked. Just talked. How different the day would've been if I had let my nervousness silence me.

My tutor gave me feedback on my college work. I wasn't happy with it, I just feel like the department is unstructured and the staff don't seem to have the time to provide additional support. The only one-to-one time I have had with my tutor was ten minutes. My attendance was marked down because I had missed IT lessons, however when I went to my first IT lesson I was told I should attend next term (the teacher forgot she had told me that already) and I have a poor grade for my personal statement. The poor grade is actually due to some technical glitch where a document I hadn't submitted got graded. I hadn't finished it so I hate having that bad mark on my record.

My teachers do not look at any of my assignment plans. We have one chance to get it right. I tried to hand in my reflective journal to my tutor for feedback and she said it wasn't due until December so she does not want to look at it. Another teacher has set me an essay which I have to submit along with the plan - a classmate asked if he'd go through the plan with her. He said no, he doesn't have the time and if he does it for her it'll be unfair on everyone else so he'd have to go through their plans too.

I'm hoping things will settle down. I feel like I'm catching up with the work I've missed and I've had some moments where I've got a buzz from understanding something first time. I try not to think too far in advance. I don't want to think about what the next month will bring. If I think of applying for university next year I start retching. I just have to tackle each lesson at a time.

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