Diary

Withdrew
8/17/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I withdrew my job application an hour before I was due to phone back for the interview results. I didn't want to know the final decision because I'd be gutted if I was rejected or I may regret turning down a position.

People have been telling me I need some time alone to think things through. I guess this is true but I have no peace and quiet with my family.

Visiting my family makes me feel like a teenager again. This is the time of the year where newspapers write about college and university admissions. I read an article on the newspaper on the train about middle-class bias. It stuck in my head because there was a quote about young people feeling inspired and excited about education but when they go home their families say that's not for the likes of us. That was exactly what I was told after I got a couple of surprise B's in my mock exams. People could never quite believe me when I said those were the exact words said to me when I told my parents my tutor thinks I should look at university courses.

It was the moment that sticks out most in my mind when I think of my parents. It also had an impact on the rest of my life. I get afraid to do things if other people think I can't do it. Then I think they are right about me being unable to achieve things. I have real resentment over that day in my life. 

I remember my parents standing together, united, for the first and last time. I remember the smile falling off my face. I remember hearing how expensive it was to keep me here and how I should be looking for a job to help them out. It's easy to misremember a scene when you feel wronged. I definitely saw a look of self-righteousness as I made a resolution to give up.

Most of my family think I shouldn't have withdrawn my job application. I am constantly being told what I need and how being here is good for me. I really feel like I'm going to flip my lid.

Then the weekend sucked more.

Morning
8/14/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

My app is actually useful today. It can even keep up with my mobile broadband. I cannot get on the internet much due to bad reception and my family in Dorset not owning a phone. The only connection to the outside world is in cafes. That's when I can be bothered to create accounts. Geez, I fill in so many forms nowadays.

I'll phone up the local college tomorrow morning to find out if I have the job. The few days I have spent down here have been difficult. Family illnesses and missing my friends have took their toll on me. Constant headaches caused by chain-smoking relatives and their general negative attitude. It's hard. Really hard.

My interview went OK. I couldn't concentrate because I had spent the day before listening to people complain about their life for six hours. Plus, thinking about family illness made me a little teary. But I had knowledge of software and procedures.

Two of the staff I spoke to said I'd probably get bored. I also overheard a member of staff telling the receptionist the department is rubbish. Great.

My husband is visiting tomorrow. It'll be great to have a like-minded person to have great conversation with. All my family talk about are things/people they hate. I can only imagine it's what a Daily Mail podcast sounds like. I try to be understanding and non-judgemental because my family are my history. But I give up trying to make them question their beliefs. God, I'm so lonely.

Sky
8/11/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: tattoo

Matt Lodder (volatile) on Sky News UK in twenty minutes.

Relax
8/7/2013 | 3 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I decided to take today off from applying for jobs (but then I did see one I liked this afternoon and couldn't help myself). But the rest of the day was application free. Geez, I know I have a lot of free time but it doesn't feel very free when I'm obsessing over jobs.

I've just been listening to Boys & Girls and watching people pass by.

Dorset
8/6/2013 | 3 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

It turns out fear makes me write great applications because I've been asked to interview for four jobs on Monday. So I'll be heading back to Dorset this weekend.

I bought a cute Uttam dress in a charity shop today. It stunk so I chucked it in the washing machine. Then, I thought maybe I should've checked if it needs to be handwashed. Of course it does. That happens every time I buy a dress in a charity shop. So I'm watching it spin and thinking why do I never check the labels in the shops?

I saw a Sakura Momiji doll in the same charity shop. But it was a little too battered and I'd run out of money anyway. I noticed someone had put a message in the secret slot (that sounds wrong). I tried to pull the paper out to read but it was wedged in too far. I wonder what it says, I might go back to get it, you know I love finding messages.

I find it funny that I describe all the boring activities in my day with such detail on this blog. But when I have interesting and important things going on in my life I clam up. Meh. There's just so much to talk about and I don't know where to begin. It tires me out sometimes.

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