Diary

Cole
8/25/2013 | 3 comments | offline
Tags: tattoo

So Cheryl Cole has her butt tattooed. I don't know much about her. Honestly. I feel weird saying this but it's true.

You can pretty much write off 00's pop culture for me. I had no TV and/or limited internet access. Plus I'd left school and college so I didn't have the time to absorb all this stuff. I remember loving MTV as a teenager. When I got my first job I joked to my friends that I didn't think adults were boring, they just didn't have time to discover new things.

Of course, most of us here discover new things frequently. I think I do. However, I don't discover half as many new bands as I did fifteen years ago. I can probably thank John Peel for that. I've also become a lot more impatient when it comes to listening to the radio, so if I hear three consecutive bad songs I'll switch the radio off. Sorry.

When I turned thirteen I fell in love with Real World London. I thought reality TV was exciting. I had no idea how much reality TV we'd see in the next couple of decades. I liked the idea of being known just for being yourself.

Nowadays I'm not a fan of reality TV, especially talent shows. But I have to stop and check myself before I criticise them. Although they are pretty awful and there's a lot of offensive content, I'm sure I feel a bit of jealously. So I'll let more objective people do the criticism.

A few years back when I worked in a bank I had a couple of buddies I was inseparable from. One of them commented on how hot Cheryl Cole looked with her new hand tattoo. I disagreed. I'm sorry to say I disagreed aggressively. One of my buddies replied with Oh you can see how much they hate people who are much prettier than them. I didn't really have chance to tell them why I felt the way I did because I was a little shocked they thought that about me.

Rather than providing a strong counter-argument I just became red-faced and reminded them that they took offence when I said a colleague who sat near me was the most handsome man in our office.

I decided to text my friends to say my opinion of Cheryl Cole changed when I saw her butt tattoo. Mostly because I admire her for making such a bold move and partly because I feel embarrassed that my friends thought I was jealous.

I saw tweets that Cheryl had a new tattoo but I didn't care much about it. Then I saw someone post an image on the internet and I couldn't believe it was Cheryl. The tattoo was big and beautiful. I'm kinda ashamed to think pop stars only had bad tattoos. Though, in my defence the last tattooed pop stars I knew about were the Spice Girls. That was the limit of my tattoo knowledge. I'm surprised I even found out about custom tattoos.

I know there are female celebrities with small feminine tattoos. Good on them if that's what they like. I always find those type of tattoos disappointing. I have worked with people with tramp stamps (don't get me started on how much I hate that phrase) or dainty flowers on their wrists/ankles. What I find frustrating is so many people like tattoos but they want something discreet that people will find attractive. My issue is not with their design choices but the fact their wants come second to other people's acceptance.

Although there are the bigots who just hate tattoos, most people I know have a limit. They don't think a woman should ruin her body but if it's a pretty butterfly that's better than a skull. Of course, I don't want people to be put off getting tattooed. But I'd like people to feel they don't have to conform when they do get tattooed.

I applaud Cheryl Cole for getting this awesome tattoo. Especially as, from what I've seen on websites, she is getting loads of flack for it. Without encouraging copycats I hope her fans will be inspired by Cheryl's strength. When you make a statement, make sure it's your statement!

Bravo Cheryl.

Bus
8/23/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

Yesterday I had to deal with an infuriating phonecall from a relative. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. I kicked off the covers. I sweat. I cried. I'm so mad that I don't have the confidence to tell this person to butt out of my life. Nevertheless, it's over and I can't undo it.

I decided to leave the flat to get my mind off things. I took a bus to a nearby college. I tend to avoid buses because I want to try to stay as active as possible plus £4 is a lot when you're out of work. Well, it is for me.

I took the bus because I had no idea where this college was. It was in a suburb I had never been in before. After getting off at the bus stop I wandered for twenty minutes trying to find the place (admittedly I got off at the wrong stop).

I found the registry with a little help and asked for an application form. I was told that there was now a waiting list because the courses I wanted to do are full. I'd gone all the way there so I sat out on the lawns filling in the application form.

I felt in a bit of a daze. On the twenty minute journey back into town the scenery changes so much, from lovely green fields, past the area known as the golden triangle, to a dilapidated city centre, then onto North Laine, Grand Parade and Churchill Square. The feel of the town changes in each part. But I feel like I'm in a bubble, unable to connect.

There's a supermarket in Kemptown which used to be a Taj. It shut down a couple of years ago. After it shut down it was a squat for a short while. Taj was brilliant.

Back in Dorset there's a church that used to give out flyers at train stations. I can only remember the jist of the flyer which was something along the lines of do you see the lives in the houses passing your window and wonder how you will find that peace? It's easy to watch life when you're sitting down and not feel real.

The bus went past a property being advertised by Waterside Properties. This property was over a mile from any water. But it reminded me of Poole because there was a Waterside Properties office on my old route to work. I used to look in the window and think one day. I liked the idea of me and my husband renting (or buying, in the very long distance future) a flat in Henning's Wharf.

Grand Parade excites me. I remember seeing it for the first time visiting Brighton, on the way back from Hotel Pelirocco. University towns always appealed to me. It's probably why I like autumn so much. I remember hating the summer holiday as a child. I frickin' hate time at home with the family. I didn't have a good time at school, but it was preferable to being at home (most of the time). September always felt like a fresh start. It felt full of possibilities. Though, these days, I'm deeply critical of schools just teaching students how to pass exams rather than teaching them how to think critically (but that's another post).

There's so much here for me. But I don't know what I want.

Break
8/22/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: TILT

♥ I just bought season one of Breaking Bad. I have no prior knowledge of this show whatsoever.

a_darling at sugarcut.com/charity (NSFW)

neon satchels

mashed potato

smoothies

xojane.com

Desire Lines

Top 10 budget restaurants and cafes in Brighton from theguardian.com

♥ I hope I'll get to see A Doll's House.

feministryangosling.tumblr.com

Dahlia piercings

Feather jewellery at shop.bme.com

 

Whine
8/20/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

The entries I wrote in Dorset are embarrassing when I look at them now. Geez, I should STFU. But for some reason you like to read them. I'm grateful. I've read other users say they feel like IAM is the only place they can vent and/or talk about things they don't feel able to talk about elsewhere. That's one of the great things about IAM. There's definitely a solidarity here that I haven't seen in other online communities. I think it will continue, I know people regularly comment negatively on the size of the community but I think the feelings will stay the same.

I'm back in Sussex. Hooray. I was chatting to my husband on the phone last night and I mentioned looking at Gumtree for seasonal jobs. I immediately saw one that combines all my interests. Oh geez, I'd love it so much. I did a funny dance when I read the job description.

The calmness has returned. I feel pretty OK. I've been using my Hottie massage bar from Lush and listening to Fever Ray. It's going to take me a few more days until I start feeling normal again, but I'm sure I'll get there. A lot happened in such a short space of time. No wonder I feel dizzy.

I wish the money situation was better. I so want these on my thighs. There is a danger of turning into an owl lady, but damn they're cute.

I think I'll have a pretty good TILT this week. There's a lot to get excited about.

Withdrew
8/17/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I withdrew my job application an hour before I was due to phone back for the interview results. I didn't want to know the final decision because I'd be gutted if I was rejected or I may regret turning down a position.

People have been telling me I need some time alone to think things through. I guess this is true but I have no peace and quiet with my family.

Visiting my family makes me feel like a teenager again. This is the time of the year where newspapers write about college and university admissions. I read an article on the newspaper on the train about middle-class bias. It stuck in my head because there was a quote about young people feeling inspired and excited about education but when they go home their families say that's not for the likes of us. That was exactly what I was told after I got a couple of surprise B's in my mock exams. People could never quite believe me when I said those were the exact words said to me when I told my parents my tutor thinks I should look at university courses.

It was the moment that sticks out most in my mind when I think of my parents. It also had an impact on the rest of my life. I get afraid to do things if other people think I can't do it. Then I think they are right about me being unable to achieve things. I have real resentment over that day in my life. 

I remember my parents standing together, united, for the first and last time. I remember the smile falling off my face. I remember hearing how expensive it was to keep me here and how I should be looking for a job to help them out. It's easy to misremember a scene when you feel wronged. I definitely saw a look of self-righteousness as I made a resolution to give up.

Most of my family think I shouldn't have withdrawn my job application. I am constantly being told what I need and how being here is good for me. I really feel like I'm going to flip my lid.

Then the weekend sucked more.

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