12/26/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I found this bear in a charity shop today. The shop assistant said I could have it for free because it was so tiny. But I put some money in the charity pot.

I used to have a bear like this when I was a child. He was called Cutie, he wore a red bowtie and I made him a bed in a matchbox. I even remember taking him to school often. I stopped after a boy called Ricky pretended to eat Cutie and then spat him out. Ricky was an ass anyway, one time he made Christmas cards for all the girls in my class except me and some other girl. When I asked him he said we weren't pretty enough. It sounds sad now but, for reasons unknown, I didn't take anything to heart as a child. I have a memory of a gang of boys forming a circle around me and pushing me, I rugby tackled one boy and broke the circle imagining I was trotting off on my magic horse. I think hanging out in my imaginary world boosted my confidence.

I'm glad I found this bear. I've often told my friends about these tiny bears. I grew up in a seaside town and these bears were in every tourist shop - normally glued to seashells. Cutie was extra-sepcial because he was a brown bear (all of the other bears were pastel colours) and he wasn't bought. I don't know where he came from because he didn't have any glue on him. I liked to think he just came to me one day.

12/22/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

My jaw has been playing me up for a few days. It has moments when it just seems to click out of place. Usually I can (painfully) click it back into the normal position. This is the longest it has been out of place and it's driving me up the wall. The main annoyance is the weird feeling, the teeth on my top jaw are pressing against the teeth on my bottom jaw in a way they don't normally do. My bite is weak now. Chewing hurts. My mouth doesn't feel like my own.

I'm going back to the dentist in a couple of weeks. In the meantime holding a hot water bottle against my jaw is providing some relief. I hope the dentist will help me out, I told my last dentist about this and he didn't think it was a dental problem. He could be right. However, my GP thinks it is.

I've asked my previous dentists to remove my wisdom tooth, they thought it would be risky and they couldn't see how it could be causing me pain. It sounds peculiar when I tell people about my wisdom tooth but it just feels like the root (ha) of this stiffness. I can't explain it, when I get jaw pains the wisdom tooth feels like a beacon in my mouth. I'm hyperaware of it. I have had another wisdom tooth removed because it was impacted. The dentist doesn't believe this one is impacted but it feels like it's trying to expand.

Just weird really.

A couple of early birthday presents arrived for me this weekend. One was left outside the building where I live. I'm touched.

12/18/2013 | 1 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I don't know much about history. I think I enjoyed it at school because I don't remember the feeling of dread before I went into my history lessons. In fact, I don't remember who taught me history after I turned thirteen. Humanities were optional in the later years of my school and I dropped them because the syllabus was a bunch of Englaaaaaaand fuck yeah! kinda stuff (well that's what my friend who took history told me).

History is part of the degree I plan to do next year. People are shocked when I tell them about my course. I guess they assume I don't care about history because I cannot provide dates and locations of landmark battles when asked. I don't know where this idea of history = knowing about the world wars came from.

Today my tutor briefed me on my individual research project for next term. I immediately had ideas about what I want to focus on, but after the lesson I went to the library and started to research. I found, or rather didn't find, much research in my areas of interest. I know that's no reason to abandon my project plans, however I don't want to spend my first ever research project jumping into the great unknown alone. I'm primarily concerned with aesthetics and I don't think any of my tutors specialize in this particular area, so I think I'll take a side-step into literature.

I saw one of my old friends today and when we chatted about this he suggested I look at Constance Markevicz. He then decided to pop quiz me in front of my classmates and it was all kinds of embarrassing because he mocked me for not knowing this information already. I then went on to explain what I'd like to do and he then suggested I look at A Vindication of the Rights of Woman.

12/16/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I handed in a really unfinished piece of work. It had no introduction, conclusion or citations. Part of me feels bad but the rest of me thinks...

I'm just looking forward to dinner with my classmates and time off.

I'm also pleased I managed to get The Block Reader In Visual Culture for £2 in a charity shop this morning. The last two academic books I saw in a charity shop were £10 and £15. Yeah, they are worth it but I can't part with that amount right now.

12/13/2013 | 0 comments | offline
Tags: reflection

I went to the hygienist today; my teeth are whiter and my wallet's lighter.

Aside from the cost, the visit was a pleasant experience. Not only did the hygienist explain the procedures she was about to do on me and offer helpful suggestions, she actually seemed to listen to me. My last two dentists made comments about my piercings and how they are harmful for my teeth, one even said he felt heartbroken when he saw a young lady with a pierced lip.

Also, I know I haven't always cared about my health as much as I should but I am trying to change that. Previous dentists have berated me, but my hygienist only had positive things to say. I wish every medical professional was like her. I felt so cared for and surprised that someone attributed bad health to something other than laziness.

Her last words to me were she'd like to see me again but I should only book my appointment when I can afford to. She said that she understands hygienist visits are expensive and NHS patients struggle to meet the costs.

I got a callback about my job interview. I wasn't surprised I was rejected. I cringed when I was told it was my IT skills that let me down, especially as they are skills I have a reasonable amount of control over. The first time my IT skills have let me down this year was the day I managed to do an OK interview - how frickin' typical.

I just checked my emails and I marginally passed my exam. Yay.

I also spent a ridiculous amount of money on an electric toothbrush. It is a top of the range model. So, all my birthday money is gone. It has a guide on it that makes a frowny face when I haven't used it as much as I should. Yep, I'm going to shame myself into new good habits. It may be a bit extreme but the hygienist says unless I change my habits I could face severe problems in the next few years. I don't want to be gummy.


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