Diary

A-Slo-Ha/ Santa Lucia IPA
8/24/2019 | 0 comments

Sunday I went up to Scott's for movies. We started with a doc on China's single-child policy and the consequences that followed. It was quite uneven, making it seem like both a necessity and a travesty. (but 330 million fewer people on the planet, so a success, in my mind.)

Followed that with "Peanut Butter Falcon", which was quite charming, though it followed lots of silly indie movie tropes that honestly made no sense. But for what it was, I enjoyed the film and its overall message.
Lastly we watched (I believe it was called) "The Amazing Johnathan", a documentary about the magician/comedian which went in very unexpected directions. This one I would recommend. It was followed by a Q&A featuring the director, Johnathan, and his wife, which was hosted by Emo Phillips. Emo remains funnier than he has any right to be. One of the audience questions was about their favorite venue to play, and Emo answered with "The Giggle Abscess", and good lord that made Scott and I laugh way too much.
Was lazy for most of the rest of the week, until Thursday, when I went with Scott to Disneyland to take advantage of the last week of his annual pass (and the discounts it would get me) and finally check out Star Wars land.
SW land is ok. It's a whole new land featuring a single ride. Great. Lots of shopping opportunities, should one want to buy a $100 remote-control droid or assemble a $200 lightsaber, neither of which I was keen on. But the park(s, we did a hopper pass to access California Adventure so I could also check out the Guardians of the Galaxy reboot of Tower of Terror) were not very busy, and most rides we didn't wait more than a few minutes to get onto.
The Millennium Falcon ride is ok, a glorified motion simulator with some interactive bits glomed on. We rode it twice, and didn't get to be pilots either time, which is apparently the coveted position. We also had reservations for the Cantina, which means I got to get my official Disney day drinking on (first time alcohol's been served in Disneyland). I got a fancy margarita which was pretty good, and some grapefruity thing which left me wanting more.
That was the excitement for the week. Tomorrow I'm going up the coast to visit my grandparents' old house for one of the final times. They had an open house last weekend, but I haven't talked to mom about it to see if there were any offers. Then it'll be an escrow long enough for mom to get everything in order. So not the last time, but perhaps the penultimate, sadly. 

The Lightest One/ Gentle Reminder
8/15/2019 | 0 comments

Temporary (hopefully) solution to the iam text box issue: compose in email, send to myself, pick up on phone, copy and text into box on mobile. Only downside is now google will know my private life. Thanks, iam!
Anyway, the wedding was really great. Beforehand, we met up with my uncle at his hotel so my nephew could enjoy some swimming and my mom (not attending the wedding) could get her car back after her extended trip in Indiana/Michigan. Anyway, I was the last to arrive, and my uncle (dad's side) was calling me by my new name when I got there. He went up to his room before the rest of us followed, so I asked mom if she'd told him, and she had (first one told on dad's side of the family). He was fine with it, and fine with me using the name. So that was a big of a relief.
Sis and uncle and I headed to the wedding together, which was in an old Victorian (or as old as they get in LA) house on Wilshire. We were the first to arrive, and met my other uncle (father of the bride) there, mingling as the rest of the guests arrived. My sister had her husband down as her plus one, rather than me, so people were pleasantly surprised that I was there.
The ceremony was quite nice. The couple writes together, so it had a few literary readings of love and such, and an exchange of their own vows. Small altogether, less than a hundred guests (and no kids!).
After the ceremony, we hit the open bar and did more mingling. My aunt (the Catholic one with the big family) came up to me and immediately went into how happy she was for me, and how supportive, so it seems my uncle had told her in the meantime. I was very afraid of her reaction, in fact of all of that side of the family's reactions, and so hadn't planned on saying anything, but it was a huge outpouring of love that I got that made me tear up and overall feel quite overwhelmed.
We were then led back into the hall for dinner. I was at a table with my aunt, her husband, my uncle, my half-uncle (Leonard's oldest) and his daughter, my cousin (who also lives in the area) and his wife, and of course my sister. It was a lot of fun listening to them all talk.
After the cake and dancing, I told my aunt about how afraid I was that the family would react poorly to my using my deceased uncle's name, but she said she loved it, and again reiterated her love and support for me. The father of the bride came by and said the same. When we were all getting ready to leave, mother of the bride hugged me and said the same. The evening wasn't at all supposed to be about me (hence my not planning on saying anything), but I ended up feeling overwhelmingly loved and cared for, which I hadn't even been looking for. It was quite the emotional night.
Hayley was also out this past weekend, mostly to do a record release show for the album she made with her old friend. The show was on Thursday night (wedding was Saturday), so I got to see her and her extended family at the performance then. I thought they sounded really good, but she focused on all the mistakes.
Friday I picked her up from where she was staying with a friend out new Griffith Park. She'd been lamenting that she missed the ocean and wasn't going to get a chance to see it this trip out, so I told her I'd take her to Moonshadows, a restaurant in Malibu right on the ocean, if she'd like to go. The trip out to Malibu wasn't too bad, and we got seats at the bar outside, with the waves crashing right under our feet and the whole of the Pacific spread out before us. She wished for dolphins when we got there, and two came by and humped their way across our view as we were near to leaving.
The drive back to the east side wasn't the most fun, but we blasted Run the Jewels as we made out way down Sunset Boulevard through the Friday afternoon traffic jam. Her friend was there when I arrived, and we hung out for a bit. Hayley got us to talking about suspension, and he mentioned staying with a Courtney in Dallas. I asked if he meant Courtney Crave, and he said that he did, so small world there, him knowing her and Allen and all. 
So it was a pretty busy weekend for me. Have just been doing small things around the house with my free time since.
Oh, and I got my hair all cut off. Had been planning on doing it earlier in the summer, but kept it longer (down to my ears/collar) for the wedding. I wanted something basic, with no part, that just follows my natural hair pattern. The results aren't great, and remind me of how awkward it was at stages when I was growing it off after getting it all buzzed off, but oh well. That's what hats are for. Anyway, it's gone. Now I just need to figure out what short haircuts actually work for me.
Anyway, I feel relieved to be pretty much out to everyone that matters (er...except dad) and moving forward with that aspect of life. Although it kinda now hilights how stationary I am in other aspects of life, but one major life change at a time.
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Hop Crisis/ Cerveza Fresca!
8/5/2019 | 0 comments

 

This whole being unable to type thing is right pissing me off.

Lots happened. First off, saw someone who'd spoken with Bastian did an update on his Facebook page in April. He's alive and living in Berlin, and Jorda was with him at that time. Hope she's still ok. If you're reading this, B, contact your friends! People care! People are worried! Not having fb is no excuse! Write an email! Update here! You've been in my dreams, having returned from your whatever-hiatus, and Sabrina's always very happy to see you (but I don't dream about Jorda, so I worry).

Anyway...

Brother visited last week. I'd agreed to get him from the airport Saturday night at 9:30 PM, but he missed his new flight and didn't get in til after midnight. I ciuld not get back to sleep whatsoever, which reallt sucked because I had a full Sunday planned. Sans-weed, I've been sleeping a lot better; deeper sleep and finding it easier to get back to it when I was up in the night. But not this time.

Sunday after work, I went up to Scott's and we got food before seeing "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood" and "The Art of Self Defense". OuaTiH was ok, though probably the Tarantino film I'm least likely to watch again. Mostly it was quite meandering and slow-paced, but the last half hour or so makes the whole thing worth while. Like, giant grin on your face because of how delightfully it all plays out, but alas, it's just the fantasy version. AoSD is an ok black comedy with some fun stuff, but nothing to write home about.

Got my blood test results back. T is at nealy 900, which is crazy to me. Guess my body likes it! There's some alarm about one of my liver enzyme results, so I gotta do a retest in a month. I should probably cut back on drinking, as I don't want to stop with the T. I don't know just how concerned I should be. 

Bro left to return to Hawaii Friday, but not before having his fiancee and her youngest over at the house, so we got to meet them. I hope it works out and brings him some happiness. 

That's probably about it, news-wise. The rest is long walks and hikes, working out and trying to build more muscle, freaking myself out about chest surgery (I really don't want to take a month off of work). Still feeling quite a bit of public dysphoria and not wanting to be outside. It's too hot out there, anyway.

Hayley visits this week, and I'll get to see her band perform (just as a duo, though). And I've got a wedding to attend this weekend that requires formal attire, so I'll have to go buy my first suit.

Now my early-morning T boost is wearing off, and I feel like having a lie-down. In addition to sleeping better, I am also sleeping more. And with the early days excitement wearing off, the "nothing to do with life" blues are creeping back in. Weed was nice for staving off the boredom, but I don't think that's worth it any more. Really need to figure out that whole "want I want to do with my life" thing.

Oh, and I bought my expensive-ass Desert Daze ticket and camping passes. Seems like they might actually be announcing the full lineup later today. So there's something to be excited about.

 

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Double Dunk/ Leisure Lagoon
7/22/2019 | 0 comments

 

Text box still inaccessible. Fest write-ups are going to be really annoying, should I ever get around to them.

Saw mom last weekend. Had a couple trips to the beach with the dogs. Went to Morro Bay for our new tradition of lunch at Taco Temple. Apparently there's one in AG now, but the one in MB has a great view of the rock. I will very much miss the Central Coast when I don't have the chance to visit as often.

We had a nice long talk about what I'm doing, and she's supportive as can be. 

I told work on Friday, though just changed my name and came out to a few people. The GM wanted to know if I wished to have an email sent out, but I declined. The workers who are still there in a few months will figure it out eventually. 

Mom encouraged me to tell my siblings, so I sent out an email to them when I got back in town. They were all supportive in their own ways. The sister I live with is doing better with my name. I don't think she's told her husband or son yet. Everything in its own time, I guess. 

Had my last therapy session on Wednesday. A major reason for telling everyone was to provide closure for that process. It's nice to not have it all hanging over my head. I found the therapy process to overall be quite helpful in a number of ways. I'm feeling much better, less depressed and anxious and panicky. I ended up quite liking my therapist and might look her up in the future when she's licensed and practicing. She wanted a hug at the end, and I told her I'm not big into hugs, but gave her one of my famous wet noodles, anyway.

I've even voluntarily stopped using weed for over a week now, which is something that hasn't happened since 2013 (and that break was force-started by my trip to Europe and then continued for a few more days when I returned home). I've been using for over ten years now and was recently up to multiple dabs of wax a day and didn't think I'd be able to stop, so this is a pleasant side-effect of this process. Turns out drug abuse just might be a sign of something bigger going on. 

Got my first post-hrt check-up tomorrow. Curious to know what my levels are. Things are changing, and it's only been two months, but now that it's going, I want it to go faster. 

Called my insurance, buy they haven't gotten my surgery letter yet. But honestly hrt has me feeling better already and like I don't have to be so quick to deal with that. And being small already, I'm curious to find out what happens as I develop my upper body muscles.

House-wise, the floors are done. They look great. I'm mostly done with putting my room back together, but there's still junk to go through. Time for a purge. They're finishing up the roof today, then there's just the bathroom to get to. The attic is done, so I will be able to get my stuff out of the storage shed before they move on to the backyard. 

So lots going on, but at least I'm through the most difficult stages and feeling overall good about things. It's a nice change. 

 

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Breckinridge IPA/ North River Saison
7/11/2019 | 0 comments

 

WTF can I not access the type box on my laptop? This is really starting to piss me off. If I wrote more, it would be quite the annoyance. 

Life is crazy at the moment. We're doing work on the house right now, and up next is redoing the floors. So I'm about done with packing up the contents of my room and taking it out to the living room. Jesus Christ I own a lot of shit, most of which does not spark joy. So on the plus side, I'm going to be going through a lot of stuff and hopefully getting rid of a bunch. Assuming I don't get lazy.

Another plus: I now have a ceiling fan! Feels great, and just in time for the hot months.

Transition-wise, still just out to the same three people, which is getting old. Still having trouble getting the conversation started. I also still kinda want to wait until I have noticeable changes. Having some issues feeling valid while still being outwardly female. Although at this point, I more or less pass until I open my mouth. Dying for a deeper voice already. I've always hated mine as is.

Only one therapy session left, though, and I still have struggles. My bank account is going to appreciate the stoppage, at least. This is an expensive process, to say the least. 

Probably going up to see mom this weekend. I want to pick out a rug for my room before I start rebuilding it, and she has a few to choose from. I'm also dying to have an in-depth conversation with her about what's going on, and there's some upcoming stuff I need her mom wisdom on. 

Anyway, gotta get back to the room packing. Fix your damn text box, iam!

 

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bena "(forgiven)"
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firelust
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kaz "(Hi!)"
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LittleOne83 "(Restitution....it's a work thing!)"
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shutup "(ohhhhh)"
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merrry "(Stitch-my husband's nickname)"
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Pure-Fiction "(Hello friend!)"
Orgasmic Fantasy "(moist)"
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rayneofsorrow "(manuver)"
Whitespace "(Perspicuity.)"
wiccan3 "(That's what she said... -referring to dodgy things only though-)"
VEAL "(sphincter)"
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Diskonnektie "(ej thankuu. god, you've had a suspension, what's the feeling like)"
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KatePrayer "(motherfucker)"
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Jake "(I don't have just one. I just learnt "coquelicot", though.)"
paulo4127 "(bollucks)"
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snoogans "(fwang)"
scamp "(onomatopoeia always makes me giggle)"
Ernest "(uncertainty)"
goomy "(honeybunny)"
Mr.me "(Finkelstein)"
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freakz "(champingnon)"
lost girl "(smooshed.)"
bexrox "(rain)"
tlw "(I still pick animals over people. At least they care.)"
Mangaartist "(I have a lot, I LOVE English words, it isn't my 1st language.)"
PiercingBunny "(Shit!)"
HEDGEHOG51 "(GNARLY)"
sugarNspice "(sweet)"
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allison_scout "(heebeejeebee's)"
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hobo soup "(moist.)"
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brute "(your calvin and hobbes tattoo is the best thing i have ever seen!)"
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Myko "(fhqwhgads)"
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phoenixxx "(smarmy)"
Raphael EN "(hiricow !)"
oddbod "(pain)"
GnomeChomsky "(triflin')"
angelicfruitcake "(Snout! Or crocodile...)"
HighLevel "(Goeiendag)"
Sugar "(Apoplectic)"
cadaver "(guillotine. my bf's current favourite is verisimilitude)"
autumn "(Moist)"
rusu "(Bubble. But I use the work 'wanker' an awful lot.)"
MizzGrell "("Crap")"
DragonHeart "(pie!)"
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steveinthesun "(DESKS)"
SamanthaM "(tits)"
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The_Voodoo_Dolly "(abso-fucking-lutely)"
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:with love and squalor: "(conundrum)"
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Mythology "(outlandish)"
ColdSweat "(Cockbadger)"
fluffyreptile "(cooder)"
dboard9 "(Nipples.)"
brian.johnson "(prehensile)"
Morgue "(Turmoil)"
Jemma.m "(flannel!)"
())crayon))> "(sleep)"
Somech1ck "(fuck)"
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kermee "(stuff)"
Jinxed "(No)"
Alledria "(currently it's "effusive")"
fieryn "(epitome)"
Jareb "(cunt.... sorry, but i love it!!!!!)"
Hail "(boobies)"
MartiniBuiltForTwo "(fuck- or trepidation )"
asparagus "(banana)"
DrLouLou "(Hello hello!)"
Leroy "(Smeg)"
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ConchyMcBleed "(brrrmmmm)"
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Elfling "(thank you for the birthday wishes!!! )"
Melissa "(shitass)"
little_miss_pirate "(bangle)"
christina bo bina "(bologna!)"
perpetual "(chicken eye and seductive)"
luckyshamrock "(whiplash and i like guttersnipe too)"
no_pants "(Blech!)"
JennaG "(ooze)"
Stardust "(achtung- a German word that sounds like projectile vomiting =D)"
color me blood red "(shit)"
indigo_dream "(quite)"
dopesong "(anaesthetic)"
Kittie.Lee "(Audacity)"
Glow "(Monty Python??? I never made it through any of them.. I suck. )"
The_Prophet "(Antidisestablishmentarianism)"
filosofadelaspollas "(hullabaloo)"
kit33 "(Twitterpated or Incognito)"
GypsyDissident "(Cooch)"
ctlnpg "(diminutive.)"
Cerberus_the_dog "(Shag)"
deadinblood "(rediculous)"
Jenna Saisquoi "(discombobulated)"
TMHahn "("fuckheads" has been relevent recently.)"
ivy "("fuck" for t3h w1n!!!)"
solocard "(moist...)"
Mrs Wolf "(Innigkeit)"
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MYBLUDWING69 "(supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)"  

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