Voodoo Ranger Juicy Haze/ Melvin 2x4
3/11/2019 | 0 comments


Worked Friday morning, then headed up the coast after. We stopped at Rincon. It was overcast and quite windy, and Sabrina didn't run around very much, but we got half an hour to stretch and walk along the beach. Mom's now got me looking for sea glass, and I found a few good pieces to bring up to her. By the end of the walk, Sabrina was sticking right to my side, which is unusual.

Got to dad's a couple hours later. Sabrina only ate a few pieces of cheese, which is virtually unheard of across her lifetime. And she had no interest in dinner. So I knew something was up, and that something was probably the same stomach issues plaguing work dogs and Ripley.

Dad was feeling pretty argumentative when I got there, but Mary got him to calm down and we played a few rounds of cribbage without incident. I went to bed the moment the word Trump was mentioned.

Had a lazy morning, Sabrina showing no signs of wanting to go out for a walk. Another couple of rounds of cribbage were played before I had to head out.

Drove up the coast and remembered I'd left my jacket hanging in a closet at dad's about as soon as I got out of the truck and saw the rain clouds looming.

Took Sabrina out on the path, and she stayed right at my side and didn't run down the hills. Started eating grass, so I knew what was to come.

We closed her in mom's room, then everyone headed out for the service.

It didn't rain, but it was quite windy and cold, everyone's nice outfits hidden under jackets.

The Marine Color Guard performed a small service first, complete with three volley gun salute, playing of taps, and a folding of the flag. Then each daughter got up to give a few words. My mom had found some great poems grandma had written, displaying her humor and personality. The whole thing was as heartwarming as it was sad, and we watched their urns get sealed away, and the ceremonial shovels of dirt were placed on top. They have a beautiful valley on the Central Coast to forever rest.

Went back to the house to check on Sabrina while the others went to the Clubhouse for the afterparty. She had indeed thrown up grass on mom's carpet, and as I was cleaning that up, the big pools of water and bile came out, but I was able to direct her vomiting onto the wooden floor in the dining room, so no more carpet was ruined. I tied her up in the kitchen in case of further pukings and headed to the party.

A good number of people were there, aunts and cousins and some people from the neighborhood, and my grandmother's old friend Audrey (who'd spoken briefly at the service about their friendship). We had food catered from the local Greek place.

When I went to check on Sabrina again, she had indeed thrown up on the kitchen floor. She felt hot to the touch. Once most of the guests had gone and only immediate family remained, I walked her down to the Clubhouse, so she got to pee and stretch her legs a little. No more throwing up after that point.

Saturday night, I stayed with mom in her room, and we put blankets out everywhere on the floor just in case, but there was no further incident. Sabrina seemed cooler and better off Sunday morning, and even ate some leftover chicken I offered.

I'd asked work for Saturday off and a Sunday afternoon shift, so I had to leave in the morning before everyone had showed up for breakfast, first stopping at my dad's to pick up my forgotten jacket.

Soon after leaving dad's, I began to feel like an idiot. Why was I going to work? Why didn't I ask for Sunday off? Heck, why didn't I just call in now and take a sick day? I actually was still feeling bad with this cold still.

I got off the freeway in Santa Barbara, my half-way point, thinking that I'd just turn around and head back up the coast to hang out with the family more. But then I remembered the dogs I had to walk at work. The other walker was also out sick and those dogs would've gone two days without walks if I didn't show up to walk them. And Ripley would also be home alone and walkless if I didn't get home that night.

So I drove the rest of the way to work, still feeling really dumb and like I'd made the wrong choice once I'd gotten there. This was seemingly the last big event for the family, and I don't know when I'll be seeing my east coast relatives again.

Sabrina seems to be more-of-less totally recovered as of this morning. Bummed she didn't get to have the usual fun trip, but at least we stopped at Rincon before she got too sick to enjoy anything. I'm glad whatever it was seems to have been a fast-acting bug, in and out of the system in just a few days. I felt so bad for her, puking and feverish and unable to rinse her mouth out or have some ginger ale.

Now mom might be heading over to Hawaii. Bro had a hernia he wasn't dealing with, but went in Saturday because he couldn't take it any more. They had to remove some intestine as a part of the repair, so he'll be unable to do much for himself for a while.

Meanwhile my birthday is screaming down my neck.  Still haven't made a tattoo appointment, but I have something very simple in mind. Might wait til the week after my bday so I'm hopefully healthier. Really need this goddamn therapy appointment to goddamn start up already, goddammit.

Gotta do taxes still. UGH!


It is one of nature's ways that we often feel closer to distant generations than to the generation immediately preceding us.

- Igor Stravinsky

Uinta West-Coast IPA/ O'Hara's Irish Stout
3/7/2019 | 2 comments


Barely functioning, but still able to meet obligations. Hence...

2019, I'm not feeling so good about you any more.

Not much to report. More rain, more muddy Canyonback. Just another week or two until that's it for us. I'll be sad to see the end (for now), but will not miss the commute to get there in the morning traffic.

Spent a few hours on Monday whacking the weeds in the backyard, which was quite overgrown. Didn't manage all of them, their numbers were too great and the battery was taking too long to recharge for the third time.

Might've worn myself down too much, because I could feel myself coming down with a cold by Monday night.

Tuesday's hike was done in slow-motion, as I already felt horrid by the morning. Rain was predicted for the evening, so I went back to work and did the walks before finally getting home and crashing until I had to go back to work. And that rain didn't start until I would've been done with the walks. Oh well.

Wednesday it was raining all morning, so I got to go straight home to recuperate. Took the dogs for a long walk as soon as the rain stopped. Clouds were predicted for when I had to start walks, but it was pouring when I got to work, so I just sat in the truck for half an hour and missed out one doing one walk, and was able to do the other two.

Canyonback and walks this morning. Still not feeling great, but better. But now Ripley's been throwing up all day and not eating.

Tomorrow I drive up the coast after work to dad's. Stay the night, leave in the morning to go further up to the coast to where the family's having a memorial service for my grandparents. We'll hang out that evening, I'll stay the night, then I have to get going Sunday morning and get to work Sunday afternoon. So busy weekend ahead. Rain is, at least, not forecast.

Still no therapy appointment, which is just contributing to my crap feeling. And I really want to schedule my annual birthday tattoo, which is now just a couple of weeks away, but I keep waiting for this other appointment to happen. I guess at this point I should probably just email John. I've decided to just color the skin behind my NIN tattoo blue. My hope had been to start on my Coachella thing, but I don't want to do anything complicated now, on short notice, etc. And really just feeling crappy and fatalistic about everything doesn't have me feeling creative or like I should actually care about anything much, really. I now have a suicide plan (I'm not going to go through with it, it's just been on the mind much more lately). Thanks, official cry for medical help which has so far gone largely unheeded for months now.

Not even really excited for Coachella this year. Not particularly excited for Shaky Knees, either. I just dwell on the whole public humiliation aspect. TSA body scanners and security pat-downs. Gendered restrooms and showers. Having a princess name. Feeling wrong every waking moment.

On that fun note...


Doubt is not a pleasant state of mind, but certainty is absurd.

- Voltaire

Kulmbacher Mönchshof Original Pils/ Kloster Scheyern Gold Hell
2/25/2019 | 0 comments


Trip up the coast was nice. Beautiful drive with how green everything is from the rains. The fire areas seem to be making a nice recovery. Highway 154 is closed due to the winter weather, so there was a little more traffic on the road, but it was still an easy Sunday drive.

Got Sabrina around the path with mom and Q, then had snacks and an early dinner. Mom made delicious quinoa veggie patties.

Sister and Q had taken the train up due to Mon being a holiday, and we had to drop them off at the train station first-thing Monday morning so they'd get home at a reasonable hour. Took a cold walk along the beach with mom since that's right where the train station is, then came back for a rest and quick breakfast before heading up to Cayucas for our activity for the day.

We walked along the beach as far as we could. The moon was due to be full the next night, so the tide was quite high. But it was a nice beach, a bit rocky, and the day was clear. We went to Taco Temple again for lunch, then back home before I soon after had to leave again to head back to LA (boo).

The holiday traffic did me no favors this time, and it was a four-hour trip back (I'd made it up in about 3).

Nothing really noteworthy happened last week. Got to Canyonback a couple of times, saw Scott for dinner Friday. Had a pretty boring weekend, at and away from work. My duties have been changed around, and I am soooo bored on my dayshifts now.

Still feeling quite mentally unstable and fairly unwell. Still no word on therapy starting. I wait by the phone every weekday.

Bought my flights for Atlanta in May. Fairly certain I'm just doing one weekend of Coachella. I think I'll be able to see most of what I want to in one weekend. It would be tough to do three festival weekends in one month, particularly with real travel involved with one of them. Plus super costly. I haven't done my taxes yet and am quite afraid of what's going to happen to my bank account when I do get around to it.

Signing the paperwork for this home credit line tomorrow. Yo ho yo ho, a life of debt for me.


Today, there are three kinds of people:  the have's, the have-not's, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have's. 

- Earl Wilson

Tropic of Thunder/ Blood Junkie
2/15/2019 | 0 comments


Been raining a lot this winter, which has been quite nice. We have, of course, needed it. And I personally love the rain. It's deprived us of a few Canyonback hikes, and has at times prevented me from doing work walks, but I've also taken several walks in the drizzle. Really do love it.

Our normal trail gets really muddy after rain, so we've been exploring the other side a bit more. The next ridge over to the west has a nice rim trail that we explored this week, and there's even more the next hill over. The canyonsides are steeper, so the dogs don't run off and disappear. Less exhausting for them, but less frustrating for me. There's one area of the canyon that they now regularly disappear into for 15 minutes, leaving me waiting. Sometimes Ripley starts her excited screaming, which is always worrisome to hear. Last week she came out carrying some sort of perhaps shoulder bone.

Called Monday to check on what's going on with my therapy. My case hadn't been presented yet, and I was told that would be done Tuesday, but still haven't heard back. But there are probably people who are worse off who need help more. All in due time.

I really want to schedule my birthday tattoo appointment, but need to wait until I know what day of that week I should schedule it for. Planning on getting started on a Coachella tattoo.

Speaking of, still don't know what to do about that, either. Research has shown there to be lots of good music this year, but...same up-in-the-airness as everything right now. Put in a time off request for that festival in Atlanta, but haven't heard back yet. Limbo, you are making me so very anxious.

New HEALTH album's pretty good. It's called "Slaves of Fear". Weird how that's syncing up with whatever's going on in my life right now. But maybe everyone's a slave to fear always.

Holiday weekend, so planning to drive up the coast. Really shocked that my last drive up the coast is only a few entries below. Ought to write more. Want to get the last two Desert Daze experiences down before the middle of April, but I wanted to do that last year, too.

Guess that basically sums it up.


Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's.

- Billy Wilder


Boon Kriek/ Surf Stop
2/7/2019 | 0 comments


Still in limbo. Haven't heard back about intake yet. It's all super frustrating. If I haven't heard by Monday, I'm supposed to call. That's that.

Really cool festival lineup announced in Long Beach, but it's the Saturday of Shaky Knees. Bummed I'll miss it.

Probably just doing one weekend of Coachella. There's good stuff I'm finding on research (Jambinai!), but it's still not really a lineup suited to my tastes. I really just want to be there to be there.

My future's just a huge question mark, and it's stressing me out a bit. I don't know what I'm supposed to want to do. Work's changing, and I'm going to do my daytime work during my night shifts, and I'm pretty pissed about that (no doubt just to earn the set-for-life likely-millionaire owners more money, my life be damned). No idea what I'll be doing during the day. Probably staring off into space or looking at my phone out of sight of the cameras. And I've worked extra-hard keeping the place clean and organized, going above-and-bayond what anyone else does there, so it's even more of a betrayal.

I just don't know the very basics of what's going on with my life, so...yay.

And here we've just been approved for a new home loan to get some work done on the place. So there's thousands of more dollars I'm on the hook for.

These last few years can go suck a fat one.


The circumstances of the world are so variable that an irrevocable purpose or opinion is almost synonymous with a foolish one.

- William H. Seward


What's your favorite word?

The following people signed this petition:

Hespera "(No!)"
bena "(forgiven)"
barcode "(excellent exercise, I like it, but it's too difficult for me )"
joseph "(haid)"
HoboEnigmaMe "(Veggie Egg Rolls ...Mmmmm)"
tar-nuh "(hai)"
Cerra "(No.)"
Sludge "(Edification)"
northern lights "(filament)"
Raaji "(succulent OR hibiscus)"
cenobite "(burgle)"
snodogj "(cunt.)"
bodybuilderef "(yes)"
Pheonix "(babydoll)"
bubbadduck "(fuck)"
instigator "(penis)"
prettypinkkitty007 "(constitute)"
ParadoxBaby "(paradox)"
wyrd "(megszentségteleníthetetlenkeskedéseitekért)"
wela meohewa "(fabulous )"
karakins "(Luxurious)"
Sara_Timberlake "("cunt"...it's a very powerful word.)"
sam gideon "(wrought)"
Kaitlyn "(ineffable)"
bridge "( )"
Kyrenna "(wanderlust)"
SIN "(ubiquitous)"
iFeLLdown "(caramelldansen.)"
supercute "(ubiquitous & esoteric)"
kaz "(Hi!)"
BendtheGlass "(embolism)"
Stupid_Girl "(doi)"
choice "(paradigm)"
Curt "(awesome)"
.caitlin. "(Flaps)"
ShaggyDope "(the most versitile word in the english language, fuck.)"
Bexi "(fuck)"
LittleOne83 "(Restitution....it's a work thing!)"
AshleyBrass "( )"
samma "(Flutter.)"
shutup "(ohhhhh)"
-Matt- "(fuck!)"
merrry "(Stitch-my husband's nickname)"
jaymazing "(clavix)"
Pure-Fiction "(Hello friend!)"
Orgasmic Fantasy "(moist)"
rarr.ae "(chimerical! i just figured it out about a month ago. yours?)"
rayneofsorrow "(manuver)"
Whitespace "(Perspicuity.)"
wiccan3 "(That's what she said... -referring to dodgy things only though-)"
VEAL "(sphincter)"
sane "(sasafras)"
Diskonnektie "(ej thankuu. god, you've had a suspension, what's the feeling like)"
Katkutia "( )"
Shevek "(klem)"
IronChef "(twat just say it and it makes you smile)"
eva "(swell, counterintuitive, longing)"
yarddog "(one of these I HAVEN'T signed!)"
xaqari15 "(zowie)"
strawberry "(douche)"
ducttapedave "(i like frood.)"
Jeanna "(dang'it)"
aniorange "(rosebud)"
Calamity "(pantaloon)"
ashbat "(BEVERAGE)"
Scenester "(awesometastic)"
KatePrayer "(motherfucker)"
edcunard "(inchoate)"
Lizzard "(FUCK!!!)"
ambrosia "(hey thnaksfor saying hi i'm new to iam and am a little lost!!)"
Jake "(I don't have just one. I just learnt "coquelicot", though.)"
paulo4127 "(bollucks)"
chemically_lobotomized "(cockamamie - yay for House fans!!!)"
JuuL "(Berserk)"
EoniAbstract "(projection)"
Sad Squid "(i do say awesome a lot. seriously...a lot. )"
deadly pale "(atemberaubend - nicely hard and with a cool meaning)"
snoogans "(fwang)"
scamp "(onomatopoeia always makes me giggle)"
Ernest "(uncertainty)"
goomy "(honeybunny)"
Mr.me "(Finkelstein)"
vizante "(needle)"
freakz "(champingnon)"
lost girl "(smooshed.)"
bexrox "(rain)"
tlw "(I still pick animals over people. At least they care.)"
Mangaartist "(I have a lot, I LOVE English words, it isn't my 1st language.)"
PiercingBunny "(Shit!)"
sugarNspice "(sweet)"
level3stud "(undulating)"
allison_scout "(heebeejeebee's)"
TripleHelix "(Syzygy, because it's structurally perfect)"
firstluff "(scadink " move it a scadink to the left")"
Rumball "(philanphropist)"
ununseptium "(authenticity)"
Holly Bo "(Spork)"
an0nymous_vamp1re "(Ni)"
Della "(It's a toss-up between "maelstrom" and "dichotomy.")"
jazzybean "(proper - i'm cornish )"
bruxa "(I'm old Gregg!)"
hobo soup "(moist.)"
Satans_Angel "(schooch)"
manini "(love)"
amberlynne "( )"
helanus "(weasel!!)"
KIVAKA "(love)"
tyger burning bright "(why?)"
radical kiba "(snarly)"
jonathandoe "(hella)"
Zee "(Smock!)"
Nermal "(Shenanigans)"
The Hektik1 "(cheedle )"
MrNoModifications "(Feierabend)"
s_a_h_mommy "(flibbertigibbit)"
Golem37 "(Cooter)"
fetch "(gravy)"
postblue_ "( )"
fuck_life "(RAD)"
brokken "(what ever word fits?)"
Blood Roses "(ambiguous)"
Lofty "(Seriously. )"
hailshimmer "(New favourite is AHOY!)"
Daddy "(Sharks!)"
vivica "(GollyGeeWillakers!!)"
Mentabolism "(Fantastic)"
yurmomnaked "(fuck, shit, or cunt)"
JustJen "(Fastidious )"
brute "(your calvin and hobbes tattoo is the best thing i have ever seen!)"
xdollfacexpiex "(Cunt I know it's bad but I love it!)"
*Stitch* "(so many good ones...um i'm going to say taco)"
Myko "(fhqwhgads)"
Miss Gabrielle "(Bloody, Bah!, and Pissy.)"
phoenixxx "(smarmy)"
Raphael EN "(hiricow !)"
oddbod "(pain)"
GnomeChomsky "(triflin')"
angelicfruitcake "(Snout! Or crocodile...)"
HighLevel "(Goeiendag)"
Sugar "(Apoplectic)"
cadaver "(guillotine. my bf's current favourite is verisimilitude)"
autumn "(Moist)"
rusu "(Bubble. But I use the work 'wanker' an awful lot.)"
MizzGrell "("Crap")"
DragonHeart "(pie!)"
shadowsidetattoos "(cheers dude, like your tatts)"
steveinthesun "(DESKS)"
SamanthaM "(tits)"
vonfaust "(at the moment 'homonymn')"
Bot "(Bitchin')"
DrGreenThumb "(Hella)"
Mike Dimas "(fun)"
residue "(Swiss Army Knives ftw!)"
Killer Bee "(Dang- because i once heard a 19 month old say it )"
Blitzkid196 "(queue.)"
DreamsOfJade "(pervert. i dont know why. just is hhaahahahaha)"
dejennarate "(efficacy)"
atatattoo "( )"
Dawnie "( )"
nadineynuisance "(cunt)"
Hollywood "(triceratops)"
jessecake "( )"
Malvenkemo "(My favourite French words are pneu and pamplemousse. )"
namicoj "( )"
Stitch Faced Angel "(Strudle)"
pierced-boy "(love)"
Dreadlocksmile "(apocalyptic)"
doxgukka "(monkey)"
george_the_ballerina "(saucy)"
xJessiCUNTx "(cunt)"
Chronics "(cunt)"
Povallsky "(See, I was thinking of getting an adamantium helmet...)"
clubberdude1981 "(Merge)"
Fuzz "(Cuntwhapple)"
Cmhionn "(Skwerl)"
11 "(Murmel)"
The_Voodoo_Dolly "(abso-fucking-lutely)"
ColeMine "(discombobulated)"
Emily Post-Punk "(slyboots)"
Tovie "(quixotic)"
nekokichi "(cunt)"
:with love and squalor: "(conundrum)"
KnifeInTheMarathon "(suamaetrepanofiadaputa)"
BeccaMonster "(Wonky)"
ookumbubbleoo "( )"
Chadgrisly "(Obscure)"
majikan "(kutjes)"
the pierced russian "(fuck)"
Nero "(kluge)"
Amadahy "(aight)"
evilpixie "(discombobulate because it has Disco and Bob)"
ShesSoVaVaVoom "(kumquat)"
Mythology "(outlandish)"
ColdSweat "(Cockbadger)"
fluffyreptile "(cooder)"
dboard9 "(Nipples.)"
brian.johnson "(prehensile)"
Morgue "(Turmoil)"
Jemma.m "(flannel!)"
())crayon))> "(sleep)"
Somech1ck "(fuck)"
DIY'er "(Arrrrrr!)"
livid "(llama)"
AnotherBleedingHeart "(therefore)"
EziliGede "(fuck-nut)"
Kid Presentable "(crapshoot)"
Crowned Dragon "(pernicious)"
nufger "(success)"
jody "(murder)"
blackwinghalo "(spanakopita)"
Funky "(funkadelic)"
FauxPas "(Indubitably)"
Chevo "(FUCK)"
Knulp "(quark)"
chickadee2084 "( )"
Caroline June "(Litotes)"
Auryn "( )"
Celticgent "(YES.)"
soulmom "(shenanigans & bombardment)"
second place "(snow)"
Snow White "(crumbs, cunt and jinkies)"
TattoedMat "( )"
XkuruX "(irrelevant)"
asphixiation "(Coitus. Why isn't it used more now? Thanks for signing!)"
SVEN "(thats money)"
shpluck "(portal)"
verve729 "(Soliloquy)"
kermee "(stuff)"
Jinxed "(No)"
Alledria "(currently it's "effusive")"
fieryn "(epitome)"
Jareb "(cunt.... sorry, but i love it!!!!!)"
Hail "(boobies)"
MartiniBuiltForTwo "(fuck- or trepidation )"
asparagus "(banana)"
DrLouLou "(Hello hello!)"
Leroy "(Smeg)"
blackandblue "( )"
ConchyMcBleed "(brrrmmmm)"
MsNightingale "( )"
dazedeagle "(shit. I say it all the time, I have a shit problem.)"
Elfling "(thank you for the birthday wishes!!! )"
Melissa "(shitass)"
little_miss_pirate "(bangle)"
christina bo bina "(bologna!)"
perpetual "(chicken eye and seductive)"
luckyshamrock "(whiplash and i like guttersnipe too)"
no_pants "(Blech!)"
JennaG "(ooze)"
Stardust "(achtung- a German word that sounds like projectile vomiting =D)"
color me blood red "(shit)"
indigo_dream "(quite)"
dopesong "(anaesthetic)"
Kittie.Lee "(Audacity)"
Glow "(Monty Python??? I never made it through any of them.. I suck. )"
The_Prophet "(Antidisestablishmentarianism)"
filosofadelaspollas "(hullabaloo)"
kit33 "(Twitterpated or Incognito)"
GypsyDissident "(Cooch)"
ctlnpg "(diminutive.)"
Cerberus_the_dog "(Shag)"
deadinblood "(rediculous)"
Jenna Saisquoi "(discombobulated)"
TMHahn "("fuckheads" has been relevent recently.)"
ivy "("fuck" for t3h w1n!!!)"
solocard "(moist...)"
Mrs Wolf "(Innigkeit)"
deadvin "(exudate)"
MYBLUDWING69 "(supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)"  

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