I am what I intend to be.

I control my destiny

I want to be covered in tattoos and piercings

I am a  wolf in sheep's clothing when it comes to dealing with the rest of the world.

I'm kinda random...if you haven't noticed.

I want my future husband to love tattoos and piercings as much as I do, and not because they belong to any mainstream bullshit that exploits it.

I am an outreach assistant for a home energy efficiency company (Next Step Living)

I love my job very much. Not only am I respected as an individual, but there is free beer every 3rd Friday of the month after training, and the guys are pretty fucking sexy too.

Moderately/heavily modified men instantly make me wet.

I am a USCOBM member.

I hate corporate america, even though my training in IT is currently preparing me for that work environment...for the love of BIOS!

ummmm errrrrr

I like spending minutes even up to an hour of my time just sitting down and thinking, and dreaming and fantasizing.

I have one tattoo (double Pisces symbol on the chest), 8g lobes (I want to go up to 1 inch), second lobes (fuck you piercing gun they wont close!) right industrial, septum, labret, and 1 month old never-thought-I-would-get-em-done nipples (YAY!)

I love the feeling of a tattoo gun scraping my skin

I want to find more people who are passionate about modification and who aren't idiots about it and actually understand it like I do, but in my area (Mass)

I think that's it for now.

 

Diary

hmmm
12/12/2012 | 1 comments

So my free BME subscription expires in 2 weeks.

Any tips on how I can reactivate it without paying any more money? 

Well it is 10 bucks for 6 months. I just might do that.

Git er Done!
12/11/2012 | 0 comments

So a piece of shit taxi driver made me late for work because I chose the bus over his slow ass (even though I was courteous enough to leave that prick a message)  the day before, and decided that he was gonna get me back by lying to me and telling me that he would be there in 10-15 minutes, and then have me waiting for a total of 40 minutes.

Now here's why it fucked up my morning.

My school prepares me for the business world basically. When we are late we lose 15 (25 now since i have more than 4 lates). and that means I lose money. If I get to 0 points I fire myself from the school (get kicked out), and I don't get any infractions (things that make me lose points), then I gain 15 point for that week. I really wanted this week to be a perfect week. And you know what's funny? I could have been on time. I could have. I have to be at school at 8:30am, and I called that son of a  bitch at 7:30. It takes like 15-20 minutes to get to get to downtown.

It's one thing when I fuck myself up and earn my own late, but it fucked me up even more that for once, SOME ONE ELSE was the cause of my misfortune.

I gave that shit head a piece of my mind, I was pissed the whole morning.

Was basically hard to find happiness until I left my office that day and went to South Station where 2 guys were playing the violin ever so beautifully. I have never fallen in love with the violin so much. It was magic and at that moment, everything was right with the world. I managed to take video, so now I can share it with everyone! :).

The swelling in both ears went down (I was right).

Still continuing with the sea salt soaks until they fully heal.

I hate that my morning was fucked up; I really wanted perfect attendance this week...sigh. I now probably have maybe 80 points again...:(

Sometimes I wonder if I am truly happy. I'm only 20 years old. I'm too young to be unhappy.   I finally have so much going on in my life. I guess I'm missing something.

I hate watching suspension pictures, because they make me teary eyed because I want to experience that feeling so badly. Cere suggested I contact another artist he knows in the Boston area (since I have no idea where to go for a suspension). If I don't remember to do that, then I would suck, but I do have 3 months BUT NO PROCRASTINATION!

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

computers are awesome, tomorrow I have to go home as soon as possible after mentor lunch, assigning myself to events at my job, and gym. I should be home around 3 maybe, and then straight to studying Cisco for my Chapter 6 quiz on Thursday.

NO FRACKING LIFE

I still have a bottle of whiskey sitting in my closet that I don;t even have time to drink.

I got make time for procrastination too...am I right?! lol   anybody there?

SMH
12/10/2012 | 1 comments

There is one thing that I have always hated:

People get a whole bunch of piercings and talk about how much they love it, stretch their ears to big sizes, but then all of a sudden remove everything and justify by saying "I grew up; it's time to grow up; I became an adult".


Now don't get me wrong, it is anybody's right to do with their body mods as they wish.

But don't fucking insult people who get these mods for more deeper,spiritual, personal, realer reasons than you never even thought of.

It's like a group of poor people, and one of the poor people become rich and all of a sudden think they are better than their much poorer counterparts. and call them bums, and lazy etc.

YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF US.

You support and reinforce the stereotype,  brought upon us by people who do not understand, that people who are pierce and tattoo their bodies are "immature"or "childish".

My piercings and tattoo actually mean something to me, and each one was created with a specific meaning (well about 99% of them). They are done with a  purpose, and even that purpose will change. One thing is for sure is that I will never get rid of them. No matter how long I have to wear clear retainers in them to hide them from the corporate thugs I may have to work for in the future, these holes will always remain. No matter how much I "grow up", these holes will still be here because my mods have nothing to do with age, but with purpose. 

That's right, I'm gonna be one tattooed pierced up granny!

But sometimes I'm afraid, that something in me will change, and I would not look at these precious self-gifts the same way again, I have had my mindset change on me before, but for meaningless things I have mentioned before. But I highly doubt that, because getting rid of these piercings would mean getting rid of a part of me, and I have had it happen before, and it wasn't a good feeling (but then I got it pierced again, and I felt better :P).

Am I giving these piercings too much power?

I know people who give imaginary characters waaaaay more power than I give my piercings, and no one calls them immature or crazy for that. They build tall fancy buildings, that you have to go to every Sunday, or your not a good follower. LOL

I shouldn't take offense at what those people say about body modification. They are the hypocrites after all...

I just  think that they are what is wrong with the body modification world, and how the world views us.

Damn I love this diary shit. It really does make me feel happier. And I thought this was all bullshit. And I can write more personal stuff here than on my facebook, because I think I'm friends with just a bunch of immature people.

I'm pretty sure we are all adult here. I can't tell because of all the piercings and tattoos I see on you guys *sarcasm* xP

And as I type this, the swelling in my left ear goes down ever more. Yay!

:)

I'm such a stubborn woman
12/10/2012 | 0 comments

So the swelling in my right ear completely went down, without me having to remove the jewelry (no surprise there)

My left ear was swollen today. I had to go to Davis Sq to buy some q tip and cotton swabs, and I decided to drop by the Boston Tattoo co just to inquire my favorite piercer about my ears.

So I showed him my ear and he basically said that it would be best to downsize until everything healed; he was nice enough to take the jewelry out and do a nice (not really) saline compress to squeeze some of the juice(ha you will never drink again :P) out, he also mentioned that the taper might be crappy quality,which led to the infection (but Kings Body Jewelry is teh best!).  I did not have smaller jewelry with me so the jewelry was left out for the 20- minutes it took me to get home.

I got home, looked into the mirror, and was pissed off instantly, the hole looked like it had sealed shut and it looked painful to reinsert smaller jewelry  I took his advice and took a hot shower and doused my ears, all while I had soaked smaller jewelry in alcohol (rum was available only, but it's over proof so powerful stuff) and when I got out the shower I ran to my room and put the jewelry in,  a little bit of a sting, but it made it in fine, I was instantly happy because the whole time my I was really pissed especially about having lopsided ears, but when the 8g tunnel went in, I was better.

Now here is where the stubbornness comes in:

He did say it was BEST to put the smaller jewelry in so it would heal FASTER. But he did not say it was mandatory.

I never took the 6g out of my right ear (which looked exactly like my left ear now, the day before), and the swelling had managed to go down and feel a  little better. I really wanted to see if I would have been right. Because honestly in the shower I really regretted going to my shop and I had this gut feeling that It would have went down eventually.

I guess I'm testing myself, but only for 24 hours.my ears had been 6g for 2 days.

I sterilized the taper and the 6g tunnel, I put the taper in, no pain at all. then I transferred the 6g tunnel THE RIGHT WAY, minimal discomfort (with the little bit of swelling and all), both the taper and the tunnel were covered in neosporin, which I will eventually soak out with the warm sea salt.

If the ear doesn't feel better tomorrow morning, then I will downsize back to an 8.

Just a little experiment. After this I do not plan to stretch for a very long time, and I might even have my piercer do it (he did say it would have taken 5-10 minutes to do it  if he had done the stretching. O^_^O)

LOL
12/9/2012 | 0 comments

Pus. Damn, infection. Treating has happened.

Definitely not going to remove my plug because I learned that removing the tunnels could trap the infection inside and cause an abscess (errrrr meee geeeerd errm seeerrr smeeerrrtt).

So sea salt soaks with tunnels in until further notice. I have done several sea salt soaks throughout the day, and I have made sure to keep them dry (you know, after the soaking). It is not painful,  just swollen. My new conch and tragus are doing just fine though. Going to see what happens tomorrow. One last sea salt soak and rubbing of marula oil. 

I'm supposed to be retwisting my hair before it dries because I just washed it, but of course I'm on here dilly dallying. lolz

I hate when people try to tell you that you are stupid in a condescending way.. I just fight fire with fire fuel by diesel (a much stronger fire).

Sex toys can only do so much. Not the same feeling as having a body to go with it, and hands, and a tongue, and a face, and emotion. Let me stop before I turn into the 95%  of women on this IAM lolz.

I think I should do bantu knots on my dreads. They looked so awesome and they always remind me of the mini fro I used to have. ok back to talking about my feeling and being soppy:

It's funny how the only Black man I have been attracted to in a while is not even attracted to Black Women. Of course that would happen to me... don't know if I'll ever find love. I try very hard to not think about it, every really awesome cerebral Black Man with values who seem to have surpassed the mental slavery that has been bestowed upon us for hundreds of years, is already taken, or with a non-black woman, and all I have ever been left with are slave minded thugs who treat women like shit, especially their own women, and I, so young and foolish, think that being the best woman a man could ask for, would make them love me. But I have grown up now, and thugs are too far gone, lost in their circumstances brought upon them by slavery so many years ago. Now I find myself being attracted to white men, and I don;t know why. I know my history very well enough to know that nothing will ever come of this once in a while mutual attraction, but I can't stop feeling the way I feel. I mean I used to like white guys when I was younger, and black guys, but then again I had rose colored glasses glued into my eyes int he era of innocence and I thought all people were nice people. Then my parents taught me about our real history, and that all changed. And throughout the years of doing my own history research outside of high school (I love how history classes basically teach us that all Black people came from Africa to America as slaves on a ship, and then went through some bullshit and then earn the right to vote, and then one guy said that we should all get along, and now we can live in this illusion that racism and slavery is over, when it really isn't) I have learned that some people are just evil, plain and it is best to avoid them emotionally, let alone procreate with them, and I have lived that mentality throughout my high school years. I was all about my people, and I still am. But the constant reminder that many of my people have allowed ourselves to become victims of century old crimes mentally, and have allowed it to affect our views on OUR OWN SELF WORTH, break my fucking heart! Just to think that there are little  Black girls out there in this country who think they are not good enough, or beautiful enough, because they are not white, or mixed with white, or have straight hair like white, or other non black races, and the fact that their own mothers (blinded by the media and mothers of the past) reinforce their girls' self-hatred make my heart fucking cry every single fucking day! I think about this reality, because it is a reality of people like me. How can I not be angry how can I not be full of hate. But god forbid I express this reality to ANYONE without being labels and angry, bitter, reverse racist, Black Woman. But I feel like I have a reason. Our people did nothing to no one. We were just chilling in Africa, until those ships came. Physically slavery may be over(?), but mental slavery continues to thrive in the minds of my people every single day. Hell maybe i am a mental slave as well. To be fueled by hatred in your every day life is to be a slave to your hatred am I right? I do switch on and off sometimes. Sometime I just want to put the glasses on and live in lala land and act like we all treat each other equally and not one race looks down on another because of this simple features of their ancestry, and then I wake up, put on my clothes, and walk out the door.

This is my reality, and I am forced to live it and see it every day.

I am not Black enough because I do not live like a stereotype., but apparently I'm too Black to be dated by my own men.

I've had biracial friends tell me that I should have kids with a white man because "Black babies are ugly". It's funny because this friend said this to me in 5th grade, and I still remember it to this day, even though we are still pretty ok friends. I'm just so lucky to have had parents that made sure that I knew that my Black was beautiful, because many little Black girls, are not as lucky. I wish I could tell every single one of them that no matter what they say, you are beautiful, your kinky hair, your dark skin, your full lips, your broad nose, your strong features are beautiful you were, are, and forever will be the original queens, the original beauties. Oh how I wish I could hug ever single one of them, because they need it the most. With a sigh in my breath and a couple tears falling down my face, I get this off my chest. 

But now I'm facing a dilemma. The very descendants of perpetrators, murderers rapists, and slave masters, are the ones I'm attracted to, and I don't like it. I'm fighting myself every single day, because this is not who I am. I have come to the point where I have given up on Black men, something I have said I would NEVER do, but it has happened, and I think I'm just really hurt and going through a phase, and I'm just here wondering when it will end. When I see a Black man, I automatically assume that he wouldn't be attracted to me, but then again that is the same thing I think when I look at a white guy I'm physically attracted to. I have even begun to envision myself married to a white guy and that scares me a little bit. I have always wanted Black children, children as dark as me and had hair like mine, that I could take care of gently and say is beautiful, and that they were beautiful. I wanted to be an African Warrior Queen with an African Warrior King and little African Warrior Princes and Princess, and together we would live in this world corrupted and blinded by white light, and fight oppression, and be one happy family. But that may never happen..

But to end of with a race of man that deep inside, thinks of me as beneath him, as dirt, as nothing more than a nigger, just because of my ancestry (a very beautiful ancestry), is just blasphemy. Of course there are some who are surprisingly able to suppress their hatred for log periods of time, but let us get into one fight :P. Hell I am able to suppress my hatred as well. I have had tons of white friends and I have fooled around with white men, but their true colors always come out in the end. I have not yet had a white friend who didn't turn out being racist, and have said something racist to me thinking I would laugh it off because I'm one of those "good Black people", and I am ashamed to admit that I have laughed and I have brushed it off when I should never have. I have forgiven myself for that, but that will never happen again, but it eventually comes out. I already know that most white men want to be with black women for a "good time" anyways, or some type of jungle fever experience, something new to bring back to their "boys". But knowing that I have continued to have encounters with these men, I guess because they meant nothing to me, and I was not going to give them power over my emotions. My body was connected to their because I wanted it that way. But eventually I look for love, maybe it's just the Pisces in me, but I want someone who will be there to talk to me about anything, someone I can give my love to, and who can give their love to me, and of course amazing sex, and a really good fucking team mate.

But now my past has made me defensive, and confused. I am only 20 years old but I feel like I have the mind of a 50 years old, and I am extremely lonely, and these thoughts don't make it any better. I don't care what other people think, but I definitely care what I think. I did nothing to anybody, but apparently, my skin has done everything to everybody. I'm so glad to be born in this wonderful skin with such beautiful features because now I can see how the world really is, and it is not friendly. And it kinda sucks because I am the friendliest person in the world, and I would be the type to try and get a long with everybody, because I loved everybody equally, I used to be like that. But then you learn that certain people hate you just because of how you were born, and it kinda fucks you up inside. 

I could just enjoy this crazy ride, people say to enjoy being single, but it really is hard to. I have a strong sexuality, and yearn for companionship, especially for the constant sex (:D). It's funny because even though I have no yet found a solution to my problem, I find myself feeling so much better. I have allowed these emotions to basically destroy me from the inside, that I have forgotten something as simple as blathering in your diary on you IAM page could be such a huge stress relief. Maybe hiding and dismissing my emotions is not as helpful as I thought it was. I'm tired of being stressed. I'm so happy to be able to type to myself. I don't care who reads this (knowing that this site is chock full of white people I'm pretty sure none of you would enjoy reading it anyways lol), hell, I'm probably not going to read this myself, this is so fucking long, but the simple act of dancing my fingers across a keyboard, is such sweet therapy, a little more than poking holes in my body is, but I will never stop poking holes in my body. 

I love myself so much and it is not conceited to do so. I just want what't best for me. Still working on that, but man it does feel good to get my feeling out there, I see why so many people do it. :)

My hair is nearly dried, I don't feel like wetting it again, I love my bushy dreads :).

 

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